


A Tender Heart

by silasfinch



Series: A Tender Heart [1]
Category: Saving Hope
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:31:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: This is a combination of me rewatching Saving Hope, being annoyed by the 'Lets Never Try To Communicate Like Adults To Add Drama" Trope and loving Jane Austen.I am going to intermittently write Maggie and Sydney scenes where they actually communicate04/10/18Dog is responding antibiotics but still have the writing bug.Shout out to sciencebee - hope the chapter goes well with hot chocolate :-)Crab shack voucher scene aftermath.You are pale and clammy."" The fluorescent lights always wash me out. I might even use one of the spa vouchers Becca keeps insisting I need after a long day in surgery.""I'm fine."Maggie frowns at her, the universal looking of a clinician in diagnostic mode."Take a deep breath in for me and count to ten and I'll leave you alone" Maggie offers finally.Sydney tries out of pure stubbornness at the indignity, but the effort nearly causes a blackout both from pain and low blood pressure."Stop you, idiot, before you pass out.""I hope you don't use that tone with any of the other staff physicians, Dr Lin or Jason is more of a fool than I realised."





	1. 5x11 Part One:  If I Loved You Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie does not let Sydney go so easily in 5x11

 

**A Tender Heart**

 

 

5x11: Nightmares and Dreamscapes (Part One)

 

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.

Mr. Knightly to Emma Woodhouse - _Emma_ Jane Austen

 

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We sometimes grow in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations

Anis Nin

 

 

Sydney Katz's heart is breaking.

 

As a rule, Dr. Maggie is prone to exaggeration or dramatic turns of phrase. She never put much stock in the anatomically incorrect notion that a person's emotional decisions influence and sometimes stop the body's primary circulatory organ. 'Broken Hearted Syndrome' is a thing and Dr. Gabor Mate is an idol of Maggie's. In general, however, she is also a firm believer that people are resilient over their emotions and that breakdown of the body is a far greater foe.

 

In her ten years of study and medicine, Maggie remains firm in her conviction.

 

Sydney’s expressions challenge this notion. Scrubs usually hide the majority of individuality but nothing disappears at this moment.

 

Her hands are shaking as she struggles to remove the first gown, Whatever clinical objectiveness leaves with every layer.

 

Sydney is distressingly good at the technique of silent crying, it must be a hangover from childhood repression, but it breaks Maggie's heart every time she sees it, especially when their relationship is the cause.

 

Her voice is caught between pride and heartache but yet so sincere as she congratulates her and Hope Zion.

 

How Sydney got the reputation as an ice queen, Maggie will never know. She is an endless map of emotion if you just care to look close. Syd feels everything deeply without restraint. Maggie wonders if there will always be conflict in Syd's eyes when she looks at her.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

Maggie is a master of precision planning.

 

Any medical student with career aspiration mirrors the same characteristics. By the time they reach med school all prospective doctors are graduates of multiple advanced placement programmes and can produce superhuman feats of time management when deadlines are competing.

 

Therefore Maggie knew with confidence that she could complete her section of Kimberley's surgery in under 20 minutes, finalizing the details for repair and making the month of an F2 doctor who is showing promise in the area by allowing him to close up.

 

Alex is both best friend and surgeon at that moment, and she is watching her friend closely, eyes ablaze with professional and personal concern.

 

Luckily their long friendship enables the senior doctor to read the reality of the situation and knows what Maggie wants and needs to do. For that matter, the theatre nurses are giving her looks as if she is ridiculously slow witted.

 

"Finish the observations and stabilisation procedure, Dr. Lin then you can go. Your mind, and your heart need to be elsewhere." is the soft but loving rebuke.

 

Maggie wills her hands not to shake as she does as her friend instructs. Her ethics prevent her from her from ever doing a sustained job and Syd is the first to put patients first. Maggie's heart is counting the steps between the operating room and the OBGYN floor.

 

 

***

 

Maggie is not particularly proud of her stalker like behaviour when it comes to Sydney Katz, but it does have its advantages on occasion.

 

It's almost subconscious she hasn't been a celibate bisexual in between Syd's reappearances, far from it, she can even claim a love affair or two, but nothing stops her from knowing and remembering every minute detail of Syd's habits and quirks.

 

She predicts what her lover's routine is going to be, down to the minute. Syd is pathologically incapable of leaving things undone, or at least when it comes to her professional obligations.

 

Her personal life is a whole different story. In some ways it is reassuring, Syd's intellect and charisma are intimating enough, it is affirming to know she has one weakness in her makeup, or it would be if Maggie's weren't the primary object of that flaw.

 

Seriously they are going to have it out with her about the tendency to deliver fly by sucker punches with no regard for the rubble left behind.

 

 

Sydney will take at least 10 minutes out of her tight schedule before the flight to deliver handover notes and to brief the other attending. If she knows Sydney as well as she hopes she does the other doctor will also leave some form of a goodbye letter.

 

Sydney is charmingly old-fashioned like that.

 

The fact that Maggie routinely thought words like adorable and lovely probably stand as a giveaway but sometimes she is slow on the uptake.

 

Nothing meaningful goes over electronic communication. Mobile phones are the domain of making arrangements, medical opinions and requests for dinner.

 

27 times during her phase out, just because Maggie did not read Syd's attempts at communication does not mean she treasures them any less.

 

 

 

There is only one place that the ever logical Dr. Katz will leave a goodbye letter, it is symbolic of their whole relationship, and Syd has a suspicious sentimental streak the size of the Canadian - Alaskan Border.

 

Why else would she designate the day of Maggie passing her modified board exams as one of their anniversaries?

 

Sydney forever surprises her with completely random anniversaries. It's a combination of a near photographic memory and a repressed romanticism. Syd is in the particular habit of slipping notes into Maggie's locker and often combining a homemade lunch.

 

She does not want to lose any of those moments.

 

Maggie prays to a God she does not believe in that she is right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

"You are not going to make me happy."

 

Maggie is looking about as heart sick as Sydney felt.

 

"You certainly aren't preserving my 'real future' with somebody better or whatever your martyr complex is telling you" there is bitterness in words but also a thread of understanding.

 

Sydney sags against the doorframe of Maggie's new office. She lacks the energy to do anything else. It took all her remaining stores of self-control and conviction to leave the operating room. Her heart cannot take another conversation like this, especially when Maggie is looking so heartbreakingly resolute if drained from both the surgery the leaving taking.

 

"Before you ask - Kimberly is capable hands and is stable. I, at least, don't leave things half done or have said for that matter." the rebuke is unspoken but clear.

 

"I know that Maggie, I made the mistake of doubting your professionalism once, I was wrong then and have not questioned you since. You will make a fantastic head of department" Sydney comments with a sad smile.

 

"No, you just question me as a person and my ability to know what I want, no big deal" the flippant comment breaks in visible tears.

 

Syd is scrambling for a denial, but Maggie is still talking.

 

"I don't have your faith, Syd. I don't have to believe in a higher power or a calling. I chose medicine for a combination of unresolved Daddy issues and a love of science. I doubt myself every day and sometimes see my lost child in the face of our patients. The majority of my relationships are the victim of my doubts and fears" the tears are flowing freely now.

 

Sydney moves to touch her, her throat constricting.

 

"The one thing I don't doubt is how much I love you and that I would regret it for the rest of my life if we did not at least try to make this work. It is my faith, what I believed with every fibre of my being."

 

"Maggie..."

 

“I love you Syd so very much.”

 

"We are different, and we could break up for good in a few years, trap ourselves in vicious custody battles over our four kids. Heartbreak is a possible future, but I know that heartbreak is a guarantee for me if we don't at least try to make a real go of this relationship."

 

Maggie pauses and takes Syd's hands, imploring with her eyes, which are always so expressive.

 

 

They are silent, but much still passes between them.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

Sydney knows she needs to say something profound, beautiful and meaningful about caging birds or whatever the saying is.

 

Instead, all she can do is clutch the letter she agonized over for hours like a security blanket. Syd feels raw and emotionally exposed, and she makes no effort to force the tears back.

 

Maggie always surprises her in both profound and straightforward ways. The only constant is the tenderness in her eyes that is there from the moment they met and spare over medicine.

 

She does not expect Maggie to fish her wallet out of her pocket and pull out $200 and offer it over with a hopeful smile.

 

"I am going to make a useless head of department if all I can think about is you, dream job or not"

 

“Change your flight, please. Let us talk about this, one last time.”

 

Sydney wipes away stray tears and nods, pausing to bring Maggie’s hand to her cheek, inhaling a familiar scent. The smell that seems resistant to the harshest smells of theatre or maybe Sydney is just the subject of a Pavlovian response.

 

“If I loved you less, I could talk about it more,” Sydney says softly, handing over her letter with a sheepish smile.

 

“Are you my, Mr. Knightly?” Maggie asks with a delighted smile.

 

Maggie laughs with unbridled happiness when she vaguely recognizes the flowing script of Hebrew.

 

 

 

 

"

 

 

 

***

 

They end up lying on the floor of Maggie's new office.

 

Sydney feels like the teenager that she was never really was in the past. Maggie is holding her hand, seems determined not to let her go, to let her fade away.

 

“Read it to me. I believe the first word is hello” Maggie teases gently.

 

Sydney struggles not to blush but nods in confirmation.

 

“Dear Maggie,

From The Book of Ruth -Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.”

 

Maggie is silent for a long moment.

 

“You had me at Shalom” she whispers. “I could not give this job anywhere near my all, all I could think of is you,” she repeats resolutely.

 

“I would have regretted getting on that plane for the rest of my life. You always were the braver of us. I’m not a very good martyr; I stole your Harvard hoodie and a bottle of your perfume.”

 

“I subscribed to you in Google Scholar so I can follow your papers.”

 

“I would have dedicated my future book to you. My publisher sent me a 20-word limit, frankly an impossible task when it comes to you.”

 

“You are writing a book?”

 

“Eventually part of my move to Torbin is to finalize an outline.”

Maggie leans over and begins placing enthusiastic kisses along every piece of exposed skin.

 

“Delay your flight by a week, tell them an essential bit of your lounge got misplaced. Tell the CEO a baby went into distress. We can make proper plans for both of us. I will make a career path if it eases your anxiety” Maggie suggests breathlessly.

 

“It would be more accurate to say I left half my soul in Toronto, think they’ll buy the Jewish orthodoxy?” Sydney asks half serious.

 

“I could summon the energy to care more about hospital politics if you weren’t trying to brand my collar bones permanently.” Maggie gasps

 

"How do you feel about being a kept woman for awhile, I could earn enough for both of us while you study and do a night shift or two," Sydney suggests, and it seems like she has given this lots of consideration.

 

 

"Care to list my duties?"

 

“Give me a few days, and I'll get back to you."

 


	2. Employing Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My take on Syd's flying visit in 4x12 
> 
> Nichola is her blind patient and Ben is her brother in law

 

 

 

4x12: All Down The Line: "Employing Power"

 

She respected, she esteemed, she was grateful to him, she felt a real interest in his welfare; and she only wanted to know how far she wished that welfare to depend upon herself, and how far it would be for the happiness of both that she should employ the power, which her fancy told her she still possessed, of bringing on her the renewal of his addresses.

 

Elizabeth Bennet (on Mr Darcy) Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen

 

 

Sydney made it ten steps with Nichola's words echoing in her head.

 

"I know you aren't the type to keep in touch."

 

Her patient is correct. She does have a reputation for disengaging quickly; it is not her that gets invited to 1st birthday parties or gets included on Christmas Newsletters. For the most part, she feels her part is over once the baby makes their appearance, despite numerous overtures from many families over the years.

Her reputation as emotionally distant is worth the ability to live a nomadic existence, growing both her professional practice and her new life as an out lesbian, she is particularly proud of the time she volunteered with Doctors Without Borders or Israeli and Canadian counterparts.

 

Is a rootless life worth her mistreating two exceptional women who both have the dubious honour of crossing her path at times of flux?

 

One can successfully posit that her entire adult life is a state of flux and except her sister, everyone else is simply but players while she rebuilds her psyche.

 

The only constant being moving in and out of Maggie's life, the latter being her reluctant (unwilling?) touchstone.

 

A grim comparison but she is making every effort at being honest nowadays.

 

Perhaps this is a consequence of working with a patient who is blind and the physical realities that accompany her treatment, but Sydney swears her senses are aflame with the minutest details of Maggie Lin, in all her glory.

 

The perfume her grandmother brought her which she wears as a tribute.

 

The feel of the watch that was her father's that he always used to measure observations, even when modern techniques become available.

 

The sadness in her normally vibrant eyes that Sydney seems uniquely talented at both placing there and taking away.

 

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great,” she whispers out loud as she reaches the staff carpark.

A horrifying vision hits Sydney where she is on the receiving end of a generic email. The cheery note announces Maggie's engagement to a no doubt worthy person and heralds the announcement of their gorgeous children with Maggie's dark eyes and beautiful cheekbones.

 

Sydney is nothing but an included afterthought.

 

Just like she had done with her announcement with Hershel.

 

The pain, though hypothetical, is like a precise hit to the solar plexus and Sydney has to will herself not to cry.

 

It takes her half an hour and miscalculated timezone to have a painful but expected conversation with Layla. The other doctor's lack of rage and resentment speaks volumes; she preempts all of Syd's explanations and excuses by pointing out that Syd always stretched herself between Israel and Canada, that she had only met Layla's parents accidentally in the supermarket, the choice was made long ago in all but name.

 

"I'm sorry, Layla"

 

"You did not hold a gun to my head, Syd. You taught me to a lot and not just about medicine I knew the deal and whose to say I wasn't using you? You have the monopoly on talent but not on troubles” there is bitterness in her tone.

 

"I'm not a resident with stars in my eyes."

 

The words are mainly face-saving, Layla is far too loyal to consider playing any field, irrespective of intent or physical infidelity she has broken a heart here if only a little.

 

They fall into an awkward and stilted conversation about practicalities, not that their lives intermesh overly much, but neither of them is the type to let things remain unfinished.

 

They will not be casual friends after this; they will probably actively avoid each other at conferences and feign indifference if their paths cross.

 

There is nothing left to say so Syd takes a chance.

 

"If you ask her, Evelyn will move heaven and earth to be with you."

 

There is a long pause on the other end of the line.

 

Layla's best friend the atheist tattoo artist is a no-go zone between them, even if she was painfully accommodating and jokingly offers them matching 'medical geek' tattoos.

 

Nobody misses the pain in her eyes.

 

Sydney also does not own a monopoly on divided hearts and loyalties.

 

****

 

Sydney finds those confrontation/revelation scenes in romantic comedies mortifying even by proxy, despite binge watching LGBT Comedies on Netflix.

 

Public declarations are not her thing.

 

A more salient fact is that Alex Reid terrifies the living daylights out of her.

 

Consequently, she is relieved to find Maggie hiding in one of the on-call rooms on the 11th floor. It is painful to see her so still and in obvious pain.

 

Sydney still gets nightmares about seeing her so gravely wounded with her life hanging in the balance of a few operational decisions.

 

"Fluorescent lights giving you a headache?" she whispers as she closes the door, she is pleased that the Haematology wing has multiple rooms and they are not likely to be disturbed.

 

"It's a toss-up between my head and my heart right now, but let's just say I may or may not seek to bring back Trepanning even if I have to blackmail Dr Sunshine."

 

"I lied."

 

"To what thing or category of stuff do you refer?" Maggie asks

 

"I mistreated a beautiful girlfriend simply because my heart is tangled up in you and everybody knew this but me."

 

 

****

 

"The thing is I am terrible at getting over you."

 

Sydney feels Maggie laugh silently at her as the senior doctor continues massaging her skull, devoting all her skill to releasing the tension. The room is deliberately pitch black, and there is soft music streaming from Maggie's phone.

 

The close quarter's darkness makes it easier to confess her thoughts. The combination of a desire to heal and a long day make the words come quickly

 

"I am good at most things, even the unhealthy things that any therapist would frown on, I pretended to be so many things not just straight that nobody saw through the creaks. Heck, I believed it most of the time" Sydney continues softly.

 

"I could bury my guilt over my actions as a teenager."

 

"I could pretend to marry Hershel would make either of us happy."

 

"I could pretend that I am not conservative whatever my orientation."

 

"But I fail miserably at marshalling my feelings for you. Do you know I almost handed over your supervision to a colleague because I could not focus but I wanted to explore your mind more?"

 

"Ok that is either sweet or cute in a Stephen King kind of way, you don't have a shine to me, do you?"

 

"Define a shine."

 

****

 

"Welcome back sleeping beauty."

 

"Hey, I thought I dreamed you, it would not be the first time."

 

Sydney is pleased to see the colour is back in Maggie's cheeks and she is not moving with such pained deliberateness

 

"How long have I slept."

 

"A little over 3 hours."

 

"And you have been here the entire time?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Did you watch me sleep, Dr Katz?"

 

"In between games of chess and watching cats on YouTube."

 

"Can we save the serious conversation until tomorrow?"

 

"How about some ice cream and everyday conversation with nothing more dangerous than movie questions?

 

“It sounds fantastic.”

 

 

****

 

"17"

 

Maggie struggles to tear her attention away from the delicious ice cream flavours that Syd is insisting on treating her to, apparently being literal about the 'too skinny comment.'

 

"Is my favourite prime number also the number of bones Declan and I have broken between us" she quips

 

"Ok we are revisiting both of those facts later, I love that you have a favourite prime number and the Lin twins are holagins."

 

Maggie is almost confident Sydney is going to babble about prime numbers for the next hour and even more sure that this will be a fine way to spend an afternoon.

 

"I meant that it would take 17 days for me to finalise my transfer back from Israel. I was on a flexible contract, but I need to do a proper handover of 3 patients."

 

"Right," Maggie says softly, already pained by the notion of a separation of any sort.

 

"When I get back could we try again, properly this time? Getting to know each other, I pick you up for dates, Alex goes to interrogate and threaten me, and I try and form a relationship with your cat."

 

It's not so much Sydney's words as the absolute sincerity in her tone that make the other woman smile broadly.

 

"That sounds like the best offer I have had in awhile. Absolutely but on three conditions."

 

Sydney looks ready to agree to just about anything short of agreeing with Richard Dawkins, but she nods gravely.

 

"1) You update your phone to something produced this side of the millennium 2) you use said new phone to contact me at regular intervals while you are away 3) You tell me when things are getting too much before they overwhelm you or us, deal?"

 

"Deal. I will get a new phone today."

 

Sydney takes a giant bite of coffee ice cream mainly to avoid getting too emotional and freaking out their already suspicious sever.

 

"One more thing."

 

"I am fully in favour of the ambush kissing technique, but you need to stay in one place afterwards ok?" Maggie teases brushing a loose strand away from Syd's face. "In your case, remember gravity."

 

 

****

 

"Am I right in remembering that Raspberry Swirl is your favourite?"

 

Nichola looks up from the model she is still tracing, committing every feature to memory. Ben is sitting in the corner looking on with both delight and nervousness, they still have much to consider, but there is hope.

 

"Dr Katz, I thought you were out of here. Dr Reily has already been in touch to schedule a follow-up - pretty sure she wants me on bed rest till little miss makes her appearance" there is a delight in Nichola's voice.

 

"Helen tends to be a little conservative. I will try and talk her down in the morning.

 

"To answer your question, my plans have changed, and I come to celebrate bearing ice - cream, selection for you Ben since I didn't know your preference."

 

Nicola grins in her direction as she accepts the proffered bowl.

 

"Did you finally get the nerve to ask out, Dr Lin?" Nicola guessed amusement evident in her tone.

 

Sydney pauses mid-ice cream scoop of chocolate chip.

 

"What makes you say that?" she is too surprised to react though once upon a time that comment would have terrified her.

 

This change is either her growth and maturity or the Hope Zion Effect.

 

"What makes you say that?" Syd is genuinely curious rather than embarrassed.

 

"Your voice is usually particularly even and still, but you get all melty and soft when you talk to or about her," Nicola says waving vaguely to convey meaning. "It's adorable."

 

The perils of having a patient with heightened senses and a degree in Interpersonal Relationships.

 

Sydney feels her cheeks flame and curses her alabaster genetics.

 

"Well, this is a little bit mortifying."

 

"If it is any consolation Dr Lin was acting like somebody on a first date when you were recounting the details of the procedure, she would have stood there for days, discussing the finer points of gravity and cervical dilation" Ben chipped in.

 

"I would deny it but never were truer words spoken, except maybe Justin Trudeau is an ideal Prime Minister for our times,” Maggie comments as she comes into the room.

 

Sydney blushes further but struggles to conceal her happiness.

 

"Dr Lin and I have a date this evening, and I will be staying on your case."

 

Maggie looks thrilled at such a public acknowledgement.

 

 

 

*****

 

Her girlfriend is a literalist.

 

Her communication is constant and thoughtful.

 

Maggie grins as her phone dings with another text. Syd is true to her word and has a regular Skype date at 6 pm.

 

There is also the commentary on the standards of hospital care in Israeli.

 

Maggie delights in Syd’s random observation about her childhood and youth.

 

Only Sydney, both tender and a touch obsessive, could produce a photo essay on biscuits to make her smile.

 

Maggie’s favourite moments are Syd’s musings on their future, immediate and long-term.

 

She sacrifices sleep for a pointless discussion about the studies they will become co-authors on and what conference they will attend next year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Tender Heart: At Liberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Sydney had contemplated more deeply the implications of Maggie being shot in 4x10 - Emotional Rescue 
> 
> "I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be...yours".   
> Jane Austen - Sense and Sensibility (Edward Ferris to Elinor Dashwood)

 

 

A Tender Heart; At Liberty

 

 

 _I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be...yours. Jane Austen - Sense and Sensibility (Edward Ferris to Elinor Dashwood_ )

 

 

You can leave when you know Shelby, Adam and their daughter are safe.

 

You are in demand as something of a 'travelling' high-risk specialist. Ever since the broken engagement and estrangement from friends and family, you see no value in attempting to establish any new roots, they have no value to you now. Your patients are a loyal group though and will follow and request you; it is a relatively straightforward process to get temporary privileges

 

 

You know you will be in and out of Hope Zion, and you have no strategy for seeing Maggie except to ramble inappropriately and wish you could kiss her.

 

You rehearse what you are going to say, swinging wildly between friendly and frosty, desperate and determined. You almost hope Maggie has a lover to distract proceedings.

 

You wish that you could meet Maggie in a bar or a restaurant rather than these high-intensity scenarios.

 

You want to see Maggie at the beach.

 

The halls of Hope Zion reflect the emergency the bombing represents; you automatically think about the stresses the baby is under and the arguments she will have with Zach about priorities.

 

 

******

 

 

You can leave when you know what is wrong with Maggie.

 

Of course, you know the basic profile of the injury, all those gathered around are acutely aware of what the Neuro team and their driven leader are facing when they review her scans, none of them is too senior not to remember neuro rotations and complexity of brain bleeds.

 

You need more though, distraction with Adam and the baby only get you so far. You retreat into an empty room and pray; you muster all your faith to believe the 'unknowable country' that is the brain will respond to both medical and divine intervention. There is a clock in the room, and you use it to time your heartbeats and your rhythm, the hour's blend, into a shapeless stream of hope and hopelessness.

 

+++++++

 

 

 

You can leave when Maggie's surgery done.

 

Until then you do not move, your body feels like it’s unravelling, you are mentally tracing every moment in theatre, the vital signs, the commentary of the surgery staff. You sync your breath to every beep of the heart monitor.

 

The answer to Alex’s question becomes almost as a sacred as your evening prayers on the Sabat, though the words never leave the confines of your mind.

 

You could not love Dr Maggie Lin more.

 

++++++++

 

 

 

You can leave when you know Maggie's spirit has survived the surgery.

 

Your faith and your profession are for the most part always in harmony as you find the community supportive of medicine. This apperciation is primarily as a result of the well-published rates of genetic disorders and problematic inheritance patterns amongst Jewish populations. Some of your earnest heroes include Rabbi's who devote their lives to further both religious and secular knowledge.

 

There is one realm where you are uniquely a Jewish woman, even in this teaching hospital. You place as much weight as Alex, Zach and Shahir in how their colleague is recovering and passing the first round of brain damage; you hold your breath along with Alex when Maggie can recall both general and specific details when her motor control is good enough when she reports no more than expected pain and confusion.

 

You know more than most what Maggie's career means to her, both in your capacity as her former teacher and as her (almost lover). You see how driven she is, the aspirations that the two sides of her lineage place on both the Lin siblings.

 

You alone wait for another sign, one that you can only observe when you are alone together in the relative stillness of pre-shift changeover.

 

The question of if Maggie's soul and essence have survived as well as her body, organs and higher brain functions. You know her soul well, it sings to the part of you that is not a doctor, has since the first moment she becomes your professional shadow.

 

You get your definitive answer when she offers you a brilliant smile and jokes with you about kissing opportunities.

 

Her simple declaration of about you being here as a reason to be optimistic in the ICU makes you want to plead absolution. Instead, you resolve to cover her shifts, because you know she will fret about her patients.

 

You don't tell her that you will be leaving shortly and that you have Layla in Israel nor do you tell her that you think about her every day and your heart yearns to make a genuine attempt at a relationship.

 

As usual, you settle on remaining silent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

+++++++

 

You can leave when Maggie falls asleep, and lets go of your hand.

 

You are a practical panicker; you are desperate to do something, the room isn't that cold, not in comparison to many hospitals you work in all over the world but you feel so much seeing Maggie so vulnerable that you want to alleviate her suffering even in a small way.

 

Instead, you do as requested sinking down into the visiting chair, gently cradling the bruised hand where veins did not hold up to a long and complicated procedure, as gently as you can, you rub them in nonsense patterns, trying to ease the tension.

 

Maggie knows you well and refuses to let you succumb to your anxiety about what to say or how to bridge the gap between you, even though navigating reintroduction is familiar territory by now. She asks how you are if you have done any particularly noteworthy procedures, where you have travelled recently.

 

Her dark eyes are particularly bright when she wants to know if you are happy as if that is the only thing that matters, despite how poorly you treat her when you do your flying visits. Maggie looks as if she would attend your wedding as long as you were happy.

 

The problem is she does not let go of your hand.

 

She clings tighter when Shahir offers a guardedly optimistic

prognosis both regarding general health and future work as a surgeon, providing she follows strict post-surgery guidelines. He is characteristically bleak in his assessment if she does not listen and instead insists on being a 'macho' surgeon.

 

She tugs your hand back into place when you move to give privacy when the night nurse wants to change the catheter and talks in great detail about urine output; you are too delighted by the numbers to consider the intimacy of the gesture.

 

She refuses to fall asleep until you promise to stay for at least a while.

Maggie is stubborn enough to fight the morphine pump to the last second when you nod solemnly. For once your words remove her furrowed brows rather than create them.

 

 

 

 

++++++

 

 

You can leave when Maggie tells you to.

 

You keep waiting to outstay your welcome in the various hospital rooms she transfers to; you do your best to remain inconspicuous, not commenting on the care provided, even when your knowledge of Maggie contradicts this option. It does not take too much effort to bring in little creature comforts.

 

Alex and Maggie's friends are caring for the big things like books, music and entertainment but you try and do the little things, you avoid the times when Maggie is holding court to friends and family, not wanting confrontations or worst Maggie expending energy defending you.

 

You keep Maggie updated on her leading patients and what protocols you are putting in place for various developments, she impresses you by managing to contribute even when in great pain.

 

 

You bake her cookies using all her favourite ingredients and begin experimenting with smoothie recipes; you were not joking when you say she is too skinny, cultural stereotype or not. It makes you laugh that she starts to ration them even though you will happily continue feeding her.

 

You soothe her dry lips with ice and even do an almost sponge bath even though Maggie won’t stop laughing and making jokes.

 

 

 

++++++++

 

 

 

 

You can’t leave because Layla does not give you a choice.

 

In many ways, Layla is an ideal post outing girlfriend. She is a Reformist but is devoted to her faith, volunteers in Israeli outreach and is gentle when introducing new ideas about Lesbian and Jewish identity.

 

She could be a perfect girlfriend. You could imagine a future with this bright and charming woman, your goals are the same in life and work, not identical but compatible. She is far more than you ever dreamed when you were an insecure 17-year-old and the 15 years you spent in the closet.

 

You are both painfully aware that your heart divides by the 'almost' that you left Toronto, your demilitarized zone. Fortunately, Layla is wrestling with her desires and is only mildly brutal in the breakup. You merely kept each other company for a while on each other’s journeys.

 

You hope it takes her less time to find peace and that you will not feel shame when you pray for all the women you didn't dare to love truly.

 

 

++++++++++

 

 

 

 

You must stay because your heart is already home.

 

 

That is the truth that you can no longer deny, no matter where you are geographically your soul is with Maggie Lin, really you were hers when she calls you hardcore and is brave enough to admit her feelings without shame or insecurity.

 

You move Maggie into your apartment in all but name. The younger doctor needs quiet and constant monitoring. The complex you live in is ideal, professional neighbours and robust insolation. Dr Shahir approves of the transition plan, he smiles briefly at their clasped hands but does not comment.

 

You insist on being her friend and caregiver first and foremost. You delight in the little comforts this new routine provides, learning Maggie’s favourite meals, adjusting your guest room to accommodate her headaches and balance issues. Your free time consists of errands and baking, Dr Lin’s beaming smile is the highlight of every day and night.

 

Maggie is in a weak state and has long naps between activities. Her primary campaign is convincing you that a relationship, anything from relationship studies to cliched medical pickup lines, nothing is left unsaid when you share meals between shifts.

 

The words I love you hang in the air.

 

The lovely stalemate brakes when you start suffering nightmares and Maggie spikes postoperative complications.

 

You scream in your sleep, shivering with sweat and tears, struggling for even breaths and resisting the urge to throw up. Ever since that day in your hometown, sleep never comes easy.

 

You turn on your phone to read the political feeds for distraction and try to muffle your sobs, knowing they can trigger a full-on panic attack, the numbness in your fingers and toes spread. You start counting off the components of the nervous system.

 

The brief knock at the door, startling you from your mental journey.

 

“Hey Syd, I heard a noise” she is leaning against the doorframe.

 

“You shouldn’t be up Maggie; you are still weak.come”

 

comes into the room and sits on the bed before replying, careful not to pressure her weak limbs.

 

“You are not going to sit here, and panic alone so move over” the statement is so simple that arguing seems futile.

 

“Sorry I don’t know any Jewish lullabies to offer” she whispers into to your hair.

 

“Right now I am a major fan off listening to your breathing”

 

She huffs a laugh as she softly kisses your clammy skin.

 

“Weak as I am, I’m pretty sure I can reach that threshold, Syd”

 

You feel more secure almost immediately and you struggle not to cling to the other woman like a newborn mammal.

 

“I have no right to ask or expect this but will you stay here with me?” You mean more than the physical space.

 

Her response is a line of Spanish poetry

 

“I love you not only because of the way you are but because of the way I am when I am with you.”

 


	4. Deposition Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Scrub Cap Scene Variation.   
> My favourite piece I have written to do date.

Tender Heart 3: Disposition Alone

 

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others

 

Jane Austen Sense & Sensibility

 

 

Maggie knows what is customary in these situations.

 

Syd is lying peacefully beside her, tears still drying on her lashes, sound asleep, tense muscles turned boneless and head resting on Maggie's shoulder.

 

Sydney Katz is a unique disruption to her life and career in multiple ways. She challenges Maggie at every turn, sometimes harshly, but always with purpose. In some areas, Syd is like Charlie, always having an idealistic version of those climbing the surgical ranks, regardless of whether or not they have a personal relationship and the lines got blurred.

 

Still, there is a standard operating procedure here.

 

 

Maggie is no stranger to casual hocks up and the aftermath.

 

It's a familiar formula, great sex, cheerful conversation, a shared meal or two and that is it, nothing serious but neither do you run away like a scared rabbit in the night. There is nothing shameful about enjoying physical desire; maybe this isn't her ideal setup nowadays, especially after Gavin and the baby but nor is she against the idea or principle.

 

Syd is making it hard to follow this formula even without saying or doing anything, placing no expectation on her; she is almost painfully casual in how she talks to her and mentions tomorrow. Maggie can’t help but wonder if the other doctor would make exceptions if given the opportunity. If Maggie herself did not have a reputation for loving them and leaving them.

 

Maybe it's how Sydney is so responsive to every touch and movement, the earnestness with which she studies Maggie's skin and silently seeks reassurance as she kisses every curve and hollow. The way she laughs in delight when Maggie provides very vocal and confident reassurance and effusive praise, this is utterly genuine too.

 

Maybe it is because Syd cannot contain the emotion that surfaces when Maggie removes her bra and reaches the more traditional erogenous zones, her eyes alight burning with desire and need, she grabs Maggie's hand in a vice-like grip as if she fears Maggie will stop or fade away.

 

Maybe it is because one of the most profound experiences of her life is bringing Syd pleasure this way. This situation is no Hollywood experience, Dr. Katz is tense, jumps and jerks sharply at various points. She is genuinely naive to her body's pleasure and cannot be expected to become an eager temptress in 20 minutes. However, she listens to Maggie as she guides her through the process and wipes away her tears, they fall into a comfortable and healthy rhythm both physically and psychologically.

 

"How did I live without this? How am I going to?" Syd is frantic and breathless; the question may be rhetorical, but Maggie wishes she could provide an answer.

 

It strikes her lover as unbelievably sad that Sydney fundamentally has no more expectations for her sexual identity than living in the shadows, the odd moment sustaining her for decades in a marriage that can never be truly happy for either side.

 

"Hush, don't think about that now, stay here with me now."

 

Sydney kisses her with a combination of desire and desperation.

 

"I googled the nearest upscale gay club and picked up the nearest interested person. I'm so glad I chose you." Syd says almost shyly despite the intimacy they have just shared.

 

"Me too" is all Maggie can say beyond the tightness in her throat.

 

There is far more significant emotion beyond mere jealousy, though that flares hot and fierce. It's presumptuous, but the notion of fragile, anxious Syd being subject to the whims of a casual stranger is horrifying. The other doctor would overshare, go off on a scientific tangent about definitions of virginity or something, not the foundation for a successful hookup. As a veteran instigator of the process, Maggie feels like she can speak with authority on this subject.

 

In the predawn hours, she has to acknowledge that her heart is on the line.

 

***

 

It is surprisingly easy to google the recipe for Kosher breakfast foods, especially when Syd has every possible ingredient neatly organised in alphabetical order. Thankfully there is even a list of recipes she intends to try, not making noise at 4 am is more of a challenge, but her lover is in such a deep sleep she could probably sing, and she would not wake.

 

She finally caves and texts Alex mid whisking the pancake batter. This invitation into her latest romantic adventure is a risky thing to do, she treasures what just happened, and Alex has made her feelings on Syd very well known. However, she has faith in both Alex's emotional intelligence and the depth of their friendship.

 

ML: I slept with Sydney, and it was incredible. I am making her pancakes, her spice rack is arranged by colour and potentially country of origin.

 

Mercifully, Alex's reply is almost instantaneous and thankfully the senior doctor ops to text rather than to ring at this hour.

 

AR: Wow, Lin way to distract me from the baby trying to rearrange my vital organs for fun. How did you get from less than subtle pinning to active exploration?

 

ML: She came out to me, she took me home and asked me to stay and kissed me as if her life depended on it, there was also a thrown scrub cap involved.

 

AR: Spare me your odd mating rituals or any graphic details please but how do you feel, I know she has you in quite a state, especially with the kissing and sudden engagement.

 

ML: Truthfully?

 

AR: Always

 

ML: I feel more alive than I can ever remember feeling since the baby and my heart skips a beat every time I think about her. I am in trouble here, Alex."

 

AR: I can't offer you any specific advice, having never fallen for a Jewish type A doctor with limited social skills but do one thing for me? Be honest with her; your heart is already tangled up in her, don't try and be flippant or casually charming.

 

ML: Will do, have the ice cream and Netflix ready in case she has an emergency wedding tomorrow?" Maggie is trying to joke, but she is also fighting back the tears.

 

There are many ways this upcoming conversation could go, and deep and meaningful talks are never her strongest suit. Maggie fears the scenario will only end badly, right now the only thing she can control is appealingly presenting their breakfast.

 

*****

 

"I did not expect to see you here."

 

Maggie tries not to be too obvious when jumping at the quiet comment, she is neatly stacking two plates and mentally reassuring herself of what she wants to say, it is important Maggie does not turn around just yet knowing she will lose her nerve.

 

"Is this a welcome or unwelcome surprise, Dr. Katz?" the hoped-for casualness is escaping her.

 

"Welcome, of course, I just thought that that wasn't how these things were supposed to go, is all. I don't expect you to stay or anything" Sydney says in rush "you have done more than enough"

 

Maggie does look up then "Are we working on a quota system? Keeping scores are not required. It’s just breakfast Syd, come and eat your pancakes. You need to replenish your energy."

 

Sydney blushes bright red at the insinuation, but she does settle at the kitchen table whispering her appreciation and picking up her knife and fork.

 

The silence that falls between them is not comfortable, but it is not precisely the opposite either, it is fraught with both excitement and tension.

 

"What would you say if I wanted to try?" Sydney pauses with a fork full of fruit midway to her mouth.

 

“All things be ready if the mind is so. I lack many things in this area, but my mind is, maybe even my soul. I have been for a while. It’s William Shakespeare quote by the way” Maggie explains gently

 

 

“But mine is a conflicted minefield of fears, more akin to John Milton’s Paradise Lost, haunted by the way too much baggage. God, you are a beautiful person, and I can’t even kiss you properly- it would be selfish of me to hide you in shadows with me, to do so would be selfish .”

 

“It’s not you; it’s me?”

 

“it’s me wanting to head off even worst pain later; I cannot treat you with honour. My faith demands that I “act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God.”

 

“You can control many things by willpower alone, Dr. Katz but my pain and how I carry it is not one of them. Tell yourself whatever you like, but this is not a mercy for me.”

 

Sydney expects (rather hopes for) Maggie to leave, but she simply pours more orange juice and offers her thoughts on the upcoming election.

 

Sydney will relish the time all the same.

 

 

 

 

*****

 

Maggie is not going to cry.

 

It takes far more willpower than she ever thought possible but she remains casual with Syd as she clutches the stupid voucher for Crabshack and asks about parting gifts.

 

It is almost Jane Austen in its level of miscommunication. Sydney is almost frantically tying up loose ends, trying to assure herself that Maggie is injury free and won't suffer in any way, guaranteed by her default casual position even after last night.

 

Far be it for her to ruin the convenient narrative by falling apart, at least until she can get to Alex's in one piece.

 

Jackson is assisting her today and senses a problem, for his usual banter is kept to a minimum, he quickly catches an oversight in drug dosage before gently shoving her towards Alex who is waiting for her to finish her shift.

 

Alex is a great friend and resists the urge to make any overt comment As they prepare junk food and movies. Luke is curled in Maggie’s lap, so they stick to Disney.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

 

This double date is a petty move beneath even her thirteen-year-old self-let alone a grown woman but if Syd believes her to be immune to this, she may as well met her expectations, a parting gift of her own of sorts.

 

The food is terrible, and the conversation is worse.

 

Syd is preforming operations on a lifeless salad as if each leaf is a tiny person in need of rescue. Dr. Katz does not do casual conversation well at the best of times, and this may be the worst of times.

 

It’s also possible that Syd read everything James has ever written on the way over, for she asks him about his research interests and passions.

 

Poor James does not deserve to be caught in this mess, the currents between them can not be avoided  

 

Even the talented psychiatrist who talks for a living, seems relieved to get an emergency page.

 

“He seems nice,” Syd says eventually

 

“Just don’t Syd, please.”

 

Sydney is saddened to realize she is out of dreadful salad to massacre and the words to bridge the stalemate of her making.

 

Will this be the last personal conversation they have? Her playing the third wheel in a non-date. It’s nothing she does deserve, but she still searches for something to say that will lift the pained look.

 

“I am sorry.”

 

Maggie is silent for a long time; her meal is equally untouched. There is a spot on the tablecloth that is suddenly fascinating, Syd wonders if Maggie and this handsome man mean anything to each other, or if they will for the night.

 

Syd almost wishes that this will be the case if it will give Maggie solace.

 

 

 

 

Hershel is far gentler than he could have been or she deserves.

 

Her liberal colleagues will have no appreciation of this and would be horrified at the language he is using and the slight bruise on her wrists. However, they have no idea what her deception has cost him.

 

Of course, her timing is terrible; he is all excited about trying on his suit and seeing his brother at the ceremony.

 

“I suppose you will be one of those loud reformers, who will march in those parades?” He spits as his paces the room. “My humiliation complete with appearances at Temple?”

 

Sydney musters enough courage to look up at him her clasped hands.

“My word is useless to you, and rightly so but I promise the last thing I will ever do is flaunt my actions, in public or anywhere. If I could have loved with honour and integrity, there could be no better husband” she whispered in Hebrew, refusing to flinch at his hostile gaze.

 

“Nobody will accept you, you know that right? Ayin hara will be least of your problems” he is not speaking in angry hyperbole. It is unlikely her family will ever speak to her again.

 

“Is she worth it? Your hostile Maggie?” He asks bitterly.

 

“I do not know; I successfully alienated her too.”

 

Sydney willed herself not to cry, but she refuses to be self-indulgent when she is knowingly inflicting such pain, and there are no easy remedies.

 

There is a flash of sympathy in his gaze.

 

Somehow that makes the whole situation worse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+++++++++

 

Maggie is avoiding her.

 

Sydney wants to feel relieved but she just feels terrible, and in no mood, for the telling off she is about to receive from a furious looking Alex Reid.

 

Alex speaks before she can form words or plan a feasible escape.

 

“I so badly want to yell at you but two ORs are down and an intern is on the roof over his latest grades. I need you to scrub in and assist Zach in the ER, grow a spine and out your personal life later.

 

Alex is moving down the hallway.

 

“Where is Maggie?”

 

“Rescheduling the Boards and then drowning her sorrows in cheesecake”

 

Sydney moves into the rhythm of medicine easily; there are patients to see, forms to fill out, families to try and reassure.

 

Maggie is writing at the nurse’s station when Sydney moves to drop off her latest patient files.

 

“Maggie….”

 

“Can you cover an endoscope in bed 10, Dr. Katz?”

 

“Mag….”

 

“Bed 10?” there is a bite to the tone.

 

“Of Course” Sydney murmurs preferentially.

 

Sydney takes comfort and professional pride in the amazing physician Maggie is becoming. Whatever specialty she chooses she will be a great asset, this will be the image she carries in her heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

 

Maggie is making no effort to avoid crying.

 

The option of going to Alex or any one of their friends is tempting, but she could not stomach their low opinion of Sydney, earned one not.

 

She does not possess the talent for dignified crying, and she does not even care when somebody slides into the diner seat. Apparently, her efforts to ward of the staff are not infallible, hospital scrubs or not.

 

“Would you accept a large slice of humble pie?”

 

“Do you have a voucher for this place too, Dr. Katz?”

 

Sydney reaches for her hand, stopping a few inches from trembling fists, laying a handkerchief within reach but avoiding casual touches, lest they be unwelcome.

 

“Sorry to disappoint by not being the casual lothario you put a casting call out for, chalk it up to minor collateral damage you can discuss over Sabbath with your fiancé” Maggie said somewhat bitterly.

 

“Ex-Fiancé, very Ex”

 

Maggie looks up sharply, genuine shock on her face.

 

“It would be the height of cruelty to force him to marry a lesbian, even if I stayed devoted and faithful in all aspects. I cannot live for the community alone.”

 

“Syd….”

 

“See it’s the exact opposite. If I prayed to God, I couldn’t have envisioned anybody more perfect for me. You challenge me, inspire me and make everything brighter with just a smile but how could I possibly burden you with my fumbling attempts.” Sydney explains softly

 

“So offloading me with an unkosher voucher was Plan A.”

 

“No that was just a knee-jerk reaction when I realised all of the above. Also I have a compulsive urge to feed people”

 

“A complete asshole move.”

 

“If it helps, I punished myself by actually eating at that place,” Syd says with a shudder “it’s possible that my entire extended relatives may haunt me for that move”

 

“Did it ever occur to you that that I may see things differently, that we could fumble together, you are scared for different reasons, but I am just as afraid”

 

“I see that now.”

 

Sydney holds her hands out and is relieved when Maggie intertwines them with a trembling smile.

 

“It is a Chabad tradition to go on a series of dates to get to know each other before making decisions. In our culture dating is reserved for people who are aspiring to serious relationships” Sydney begins before pausing nervously.

 

“So no asking about favourite colours?” Maggie asks gently tracing her fingers.

 

“No, but your favourite is blue.”

 

Maggie tilts her head questionably.

 

“It is?”

 

“Well, it should be – it makes you look stunning,” Sydney says earnestly.

 

They laugh together nervously, and Sydney plucks a berry off the plate.

 

“Will you do this with me, Maggie?” Sydney asks seriously, gazing intently at the younger doctor.

 

“I would love to,” Maggie says simply but her eyes convey how moved she is.

 

The smile that Syd offers in return is a thing of beauty.

 

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

“Anything at all”

 

“I can still kiss you, right? Because my willpower has its limits, now more than ever. You are all I can think about.

 

Syd nods in affirmation before leaning over to demonstrate precisely how enthusiastic her consent is. Maggie begins removing the pins in Syd’s hair, tracing lines with skilled hands. They are in a public space, and there is no doubting their status now.

 

They are in the light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Call It Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because this episode broke my heart. 
> 
> Neshama, Hope and Forgiveness.

Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience- or give it a more fascinating name, call it hope.” Jane Austen

Sense and Sensibility

 

"Don't you deserve to be happy too?"

 

Maggie blurts this out without thinking; it is not the right thing to say at this time. Sydney is undoubtedly heartsick at the notion of what her actions inadvertently set in motion. The reasonable cause of action is to leave the senior doctor with her pain, that she rightly points out that Maggie knows nothing about or can comprehend on any level.

 

"Even if my 'happiness' comes at such a cost?"

 

"I don't know, Syd."

 

"I think I need to be alone, Maggie, thank you for being there."

 

"Do you need to be alone or is that simply your default position because nobody offered to stay?" Maggie asks softly.

 

"I am a survivor, I have gone through this pain more than once, Becca is trying for a family, this will keep me distracted for now. Aside from that, I will start teaching a course on Fetal Medicine in Economically Disadvantaged Areas in Autumn."

 

"You can't treat your sexuality as a flare-up that is in need of management. Can we please talk about this, I want to be there for you."

 

"You are not a helpful element in my life right now Maggie, the best thing you can do is leave please." there is ice in her voice.

 

Maggie reals, feeling the words like a physical blow. Sydney has a talent for such truthful but hurtful speeches and delivers them with precise timing.

 

"Well, I don't let me be an infection catalyst, Syd."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

******

 

Sydney is avoiding her

 

Dr. Katz is not doing a particularly good job of this undertaking, but she is committing to the project with gusto, not surprising Syd most likely chooses shower cleaner with all the seriousness of a student taking the Med School entrance exams.

 

At the same time, the red-haired doctor is deliberately in her path.

 

She covers a patient for Maggie when the other doctor is caught up in an emergency admit in the emergency room when there is a bed shortage.

 

She ‘anonymously’ reviews one of Maggie’s research papers when her regular reviewer pulls out at last minute. Naturally, the comments are spot and neat.

 

Maggie suddenly has a lunch angel, who leaves meals in her locker, rotating lists of her favorites

 

Sydney sends her a folder of the most current literature in their shared field with detailed notes. There are some suggestions for her future career, with a mixture of humour and seriousness

 

Maggie tries to text her but gets no reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

******

 

 

"My wife isn't a mean-spirited person, Dr. Lin."

 

Maggie looks up from the chart in surprise. She was sure both Ruth and Neshama

were asleep, their daughter still on monitors in the high dependency unit.

 

"I never thought she was, Ruth." Maggie smiles reassuringly, hoping to end this conversation quickly, not sure she can stomach this discussion now.

 

"She comes across that way, but honestly Nish is the sweetest and gentlest person you could ever hope to meet. Life just dealt her some hard knocks, yet she fought back like a prizefighter" Ruth explains as she strokes the sleeping woman's forehead.

 

"Its standard policy on this floor to forgive woman in labour just about anything that they say in the heat of contractions, especially when it is an emergency procedure" Maggie tries to keep the conversation general.

 

"Expect when said woman in labour insults your girlfriend on multiple occasions and humiliates her in front of her colleagues and students."

 

"Sydney isn't....one to hold grudges her primary focus is keeping them both well."

 

"Sydney is a Jewish overachiever stereotype, of course, she won't hold grudges she will just internalize for the next 30 years and do extra penance on Fridays. My wife is hurt by what happened, but I know she does not want to cause an old friend deliberate pain."

 

Maggie isn't confident of the statement. However, she is biased on so many levels, just like Ruth. The least of which is contending with visions of her and Sydney in 10 years maybe having children of their own.

 

A ridiculous notion but it sticks in her brain like the idea that her dad just might be observing her surgeries, however unlikely the perspective.

 

"I need to see to my other patients" a blatant lie, she tries to see this family at the end of the day, in case she needs to spend additional time elsewhere, and it has the added benefit of avoiding Syd, who does the opposite before her Hope Zion obligations begin.

 

 

****

 

"She adores you; Sydney Katz is about as a subtle as a Rabbi on his specialist subject within the Torah."

 

Maggie fights her instinctive defensiveness of the other doctor, she isn't sure where to place Neshama's tone, but it is far from complimentary. Her and Syd may be in an ambiguous place right now. Even so, she still does not deserve such hostility, no matter the sins of a terrified gay teenager with the weight of a community on her shoulders.

 

She needs to be careful at this moment. By nature of the circumstances, there is intimacy between them, but patient and doctor roles still apply. Maggie is even more cautious when mentioning Sydney who seems to polarize opinion amongst the other staff.

 

"How are you feeling Neshama? The baby is doing well." Maggie deflects finishing up writing her notes.

 

"As if I have just gone through several emergency procedures and being under the care of my childhood friend." the other woman whispers drily.

 

"You are recovering well." Maggie reiterates for lack of safer topics

 

"Thanks to Sydney Katz - there is irony there, my mother would be so proud" the tone catches between pain and certainty.

 

"Whatever you think of her Sydney is a remarkable doctor and will move heaven and earth to save you and your baby, your daughter isn't cursed by proxy. I know little of the particulars, but she tears herself to shreds regularly over what happened between you, blames herself every bit as much as you do if that gives you satisfaction?" Ok, so the effort to maintain neutrality lasts as along as her first animal discretion.

 

"Not really" the other woman replies softly.

 

"I will apologize when I see her next; she is carrying tremendous pain. Ruth saves me from mine every day; I see that Sydney does not have such fortune, I won't add to her burden." Neshama may have left the faith, but she carries the same sense of purpose and seriousness as Syd, just in a different way.

 

Maggie fights a wave of emotion and struggles to find the right thing to say.

 

"I hope she is brave enough to ask for you; she is such a traditionist I would not be surprised if she abandons the modern courting rituals for the more traditional ones complete with Strudels and layers of pastry so if I were you I would start going to the gym more.”

 

Neshama no doubt means it as something of an olive branch, so convinced is she about their connection, Maggie does not feel the same luxury.

 

A common conversation would be a great about now.

 

 

Maggie is relived when both occupants in the room fall into a light sleep; it is not professional, but she wants to have a good cry.

 

 

******

 

"I'll be out of here in 5 minutes; you won't have to risk prolonged exposure to your conflict incarnate."

 

Sydney knows she resembles a deer caught in headlights, right down to her frozen limbs cliche. Maggie's hurt and defeats in the younger doctor's voice top the list of the endless hurts in this 72-hour cycle.

 

"Would it be easier if I transferred, I don't want to hurt you anymore” Sydney whispers, she has a few possibilities, her skills are in relatively high demand in several countries.

 

"Maybe - but it would be far easier if you weren't fantastically talented, beautiful and beguiling but you don't have control over those things do you?" Maggie says drily.

 

"You have a right to use a different set of adjectives if you want Maggie, I know this is far from fair on you. For the record, it may not seem so, but you have served as a bright spot in my life. I'm sorry I can't reflect this reality in the way you deserve."

 

"Yes me too. Just so you know I never asked for flowers, and I wouldn't change being on your placement for all the 'peace' it may offer me.”

 

They stare at each other for a long moment. This moment could be considered 'breaking up' but to break up, the doctors would need to be genuinely together in the first place.

 

The semantics of the moment did not make it hurt any less.

 

 

****

 

 

"Is there anything within the kosher tradition that means a sad Doctor can't enjoy free chocolate?"

 

Sydney looks up, embarrassed to be caught crying in a semi-public stairwell. Jackson Wade, sits down beside her, brandishing an array of chocolate too specialized to be from the vending machines in the hospital.

 

"See that is the point - I am in the process of becoming a living violation of everything that is kosher to a lesser or greater extent" Sydney bites into the peanut crunch with a vengeance.

 

"There is no leeway for being queer in your faith?"

 

"Not in my community, not if I want to live openly anyway. Kosher Closets hide any multitude of sins, adultery, abuse, addiction - all fine if you turn up to temple in a united force of heteronormative reality." Sydney is aware she is starting to yell but is too emotional to care.

 

It surprises Sydney when Jackson slings an arm over her shoulder; it is a level of friendliness she hasn't experienced at Hope Zion to date, she is the odd kid out all over again.

 

"I am incompatible with life or at least the Jewish life."

 

"You are incompatible with a specific Jewish life, not the Jewish life. I think the preposition replacement is essential here; I am not going to lecture you on your faith but remember my faith purports to include everyone from Pope Frances to the Duggars and the Westboro Baptist Church. I sure as heck don't claim the last two...I proudly 'cherry pick' for all I'm worth."

 

There are no more words between them, for there is nothing that can be said. Jackson has no answers to offer besides genuine empathy. They sit there for a long time in a cold stairwell, each silently reflecting on their regrets and recriminations.

 

 

 

 

*****

 

"What is going on with you and Dr. Katz?"

 

"Would you believe me if I said a dispute over treatment protocol?"

 

"Not even remotely but we can do that dance if you want to" Alex offers, as she takes a big bite of salad and bread with an appreciative groan, her first substantial meal in about 19 hours.

 

“Apparently there isn't any easy way to be an Orthodox Jewish woman and a lesbian at the same time."

 

"Isn’t it equally difficult for someone wanting to be in a lesbian relationship with said individual?" Alex guesses going mainly by instinct.

 

"That is pretty much the long and short of it" Maggie agrees with a sad sigh.

 

"I would say forget her and let’s head to the nearest bar and talk about more suitable people, but I suspect that is not what you are after?" Alex asks, showing admirable restraint considering her opinions on previous relationships and the fact that she and Syd are instinctively competitive with each other.

 

“Believe me I have spent many nights trying to hate her, listing her sins chapter and verse. There are no blinkers on here but all I want is for her to be happy and I think I could make her happy I do but even if the future is not with me, her happiness depends on honesty she just can’t seem to reach.”

 

Maggie sounds so heartbroken that Alex wants to pay for decades worth of Jewish consoling just to get Syd in the right frame of mind to date her best friend.

 

Even though the stubborn, overly opinionated, the fashion-challenged baby doctor should be hiring a skywriter to proclaim the privilege.

 

It’s hard for Alex to realize it is not her place to interfere.

 

 

*****

 

"You are right; I am a coward by nature."

 

Maggie puts down the medical journal she is not even pretending to read, Sydney Katz is standing in the on-call room doorway, her arms crossed defensively.

 

"It has been a long shift and sleep is not precisely plentiful, but I am pretty sure I didn't use any of those words or anything resembling them, Dr Katz."

 

"That does not make it any less true," Sydney says with a maddening shrug of her shoulders.

 

The silence between them bristles with uncertainty and emotion, both of them know this is something of a final gauntlet between them, neither has the strength to keep reopening their 'almost' moments.

 

"I never wished not to be Jewish before, even when things were at there worst as a teenager, when people routinely made comments about the 'dividends' or praised me for turning one in for the proper punishment. I always found profound comfort in God and my relationship with him; there were moments when I felt total peace in medical school for having a real calling" Sydney began, fiddling with her glasses as a nervous habit.

 

"I envy that in you."

 

Sydney smiles sadly at the revelation.

 

"Then I met you and all I could think of is alternative realities. I never felt the restriction of the traditions more, even though they haunted me from my 13th birthday.”

 

"What if I met you at Harvard as an everyday person and we were classmates or roommates? I cherish the idea of being out and proud, telling everyone who will listen how I feel about you on Social Media.”

 

“What if I met you volunteering for Doctors without Borders and the realities of working in such conditions ease my reserve? You would be an incredible field doctor, the camp staff will love you, and the kids will flock to you” Sydney seems unaware that she is playing with tenses.

 

“What if I met you in some geeky medical chat room debating the latest techniques and trials. Will I have courage then?”

 

Sydney runs out of words waiting for a reaction, feeling like she did when 17 again, all nerves and negations.

 

“I wouldn’t change you.beside”

 

Maggie held out her hand and tugs the smaller woman towards the seat.

 

“no alternative universe version of you would still be you” Maggie counters with a chuckle

 

“Besides, I can’t spin in a Tardis, but nothing prevents us from going to the camps if you want.”

 

 

 

 

*****

 

Sydney's apartment is at once better and worse than Maggie expects.

 

For a long time, Maggie worries that Sydney secretly lives in the hospital and only keeps up an apartment for appearance sake. She fears that space is empty and the only reading material is medical journals and textbooks. In some ways, the living room is precisely spacious, featureless, white and personal.

 

In other ways, she can see Sydney in this room and not just Dr. Katz.

 

There are lots of blues and whites in the room and beautiful photographs of Israel and Europe litter the walls. Most of the furniture is purely practical, but there is one big comfortable reading chair that does not match but looks to be a cozy spot after a long day.

 

Maggie smiles when she sees the clear set up for a cat.

 

“My Landlady bred Siamese cats and was devastated when the final male wasn’t up to standard and had several health concerns, I offered to foster and juggle medications and he just, stayed,” Syd says with casualness as she seems at odds with the photos on the fridge.

 

Maggie is just pleased that her friend has companionship.

 

“What’s his name?”

**“** Agnodike”

 

“After one of the first female doctors to be recorded, in Athens, if memory serves?”

 

“I love that you know things like that”

 

“You should join the hospital quiz night, as long as you promise to be on my team.”

 

Sydney tilts her head at the unintended pun but makes no besides her eyes dancing.

 

 

******

 

"I am not the person you want to date casually."

 

Maggie blinks at the almost hostile comment; she does not have an immediate response and allows Sydney to continue pacing as if she could outrun her uncertainty.

 

.

 

"I know there can be a particular and peculiar appeal in corrupting the conservative girl, broadening horizons and all that. I understand what Dr. Reed and the other doctors say about my ways and me as a person. I just need you to know I am a horrible choice for anything casual or lighthearted."

 

Sydney manages to make those words sound as if she is confessing to a capital crime and not just her insecurity

 

"Wow, I am going to try hard not to be insulted on so many levels right now” Maggie comments drily.

 

"I just think you need a fair warning about how much of a complete mess I am; it’s not an obligation" Sydney snaps out in frustration.

 

"When exactly did I give you the impression that I wanted to reenact the script of a bad 90s romantic comedy with you, complete with stereotypes and plotlines?"

 

Sydney shrugs helplessly

 

 

 

 

 

******

 

"Kiss me."

 

Sydney Katz mixes a demand and a plea in that simple phrase.

 

Maggie does not care, either way, she is more than happy to oblige, trying to be gentle as she leans in and kisses Syd's trembling lips, wiping away the remains of tears as they move together.

 

"Gods, I have wanted to do that for months" Sydney exhales shakily.

 

"We can take as long as you need. We can do anything or nothing at all; you can have any reaction at all but please don't run away this time. There is not a tremendous amount of dignity in chasing someone dressed in threadbare Harvard nightmare, but I am prepared to do this, complete with fluffy slippers."

 

"What did I ever do to deserve your compassion much less your trust? In the last two months, I have insulted everything from your professionalism to your moral compass?" Syd asks when oxygen obliges them to separate.

 

"Dr Katz, you of all people should know that the purest forms of compassion are not subject to conditions. Besides you are worth every effort I make."

 

Sydney is surprised when Maggie gently stops the next kiss before it develops further.

 

“Let me meet your cat?”

 

“You want to meet Agnodike, now?”

 

“No, but it is the more sensible thing to do after we have gone through an emotionally draining few weeks. We will need any energy we can get to take this further”

 

“Come on then”


	6. In Vain I Have Struggled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie confronts Syd after their first kiss and the 'hard core' conversion.   
> This needed to be written.

 

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice

 

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” Mr. Darcy Pride and Prejudice

 

Maggie Lin is still speechless, some 2 hours after the fact.

 

For a typically amiable person who dominated her verbal SATs and medical communication exams, this is an unusual state of affairs.

 

Sydney Katz is to blame, which in and of itself is not that unusual.

 

How they progressed from discussing Sydney's preferences in teaching, to Shakespeare (or Harry Potter) to a serious kiss is beyond Maggie's considerable deductive reasoning ability. All Dr Lin knows right now is that there is a whole new set of facts to file in her 'Things About Sydney Katz' List. She collects nuggets of information from the hospital grapevine like she once did playing cards with her brother.

 

"She is a brilliant surgeon, turns down residency offers from here to Australia; there are awards from almost an equal number of institutions, when did she enter medical school, five?" The mixture of resentment and envy in Alex's voice is unusual for the formidable Dr Reid.

 

"She makes the residents cry; I am pretty sure Dr. Shore is thinking about changing specialities" Jackson confides conspiratorially rumours over a lunch break, in Maggie's estimation making Dr Shore cry is not that difficult.

 

"She is very good with patients, the families like her a lot, but she keeps to the science everywhere else." Shahir praises, his own Asperger's syndrome making family emotion challenging to process, especially when it comes to the diagnosis of DPIG and other brainstem disorders.

 

The facet of information that affects Maggie the most is one she overhears on Labour and Delivery

 

"Thank you for taking so much time, Sydney. I could not have done this without you; they needed a feminine voice." Ezra Jacobs says as they stride together.

 

"You are welcome of course; it is a mercy that we are both here to console the family. Confirming, Tay Sachs never gets any easier does it?"

 

"Now the family is in my prayers tonight" Ezra somberly agrees.

 

"May I join you this Friday?" there is a hint of vulnerability in the ordinarily confident voice.

 

"Of course, Nina is waiting for the chance to meet you," Ezra replies enthusiastically

 

The facts are few and far between, Dr. Sydney Katz, seems to engender polarising opinions from awe to hostility. Sydney seems to avoid being part of the hospital social scene wherever possible, which does not endear her to the close-knit teams. The nurses and others learn quickly not to repeat such thoughts in front of her though.

 

Maggie can now add a whole lot more personal information to this list.

 

Sydney uses an everyday lip-gloss and probably isn't drinking enough water based on how dry her lips are. Maggie is not sure exactly what the message Syd is trying to convey, desire or desperation but the result is the same.

 

Sydney's beautiful hair is as soft as it felt in a few mortifying dreams that Maggie can barely admit to outside her head. The coppery strands tickle the edges of Maggie's sensitive surgeon's fingers.

 

Sydney is as gifted at kissing as she is at everything else. Lack of experience is notwithstanding; the other doctor cradles her head with infinite tenderness and treats the (unexpected) moment with reverence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+++

 

Maggie needs to leave this situation alone.

 

If Maggie ever confides in Alex about this situation those will be her exact words. The other doctor is wary of any of her colleagues repeating her romantic entanglements, especially with people who are technically superiors in the competitive world of hospital hierarchies.

 

Sydney Katz is not anybody's definition of casual nor is she suited to occasional dalliances in her repressed sexual orientation. Maggie's relationship is characterized by those features most of her life.

 

However, it doesn't automatically follow that she would not explore other aspects of life if given the opportunity with Sydney Katz. What would it feel like to meet Syd somewhere in the middle of their vastly different life experiences?

 

Maggie's past with relationships is a testament to her having one mistress: medicine and high ideals, she was her father's daughter. Some good people entered her life for a distant second or two; even Gavin could not meet standards that she could not reliably define.

 

The folklore of both her ancestors speaks of finding soul mates and knowing who you are supposed to be with, in your bones. Maggie dismisses both these ideas until that moment in the office. On a more earthly plain Alex, Charlie and Joel are the first-hand examples (if not an entirely positive one) love stories.

 

Was this her time?

 

What is Sydney's favourite flavor of ice cream? Does she like sprinkles?

 

Is Sydney a Cat Person or a Dog Person? - Scratch that of course, she is an exotic pet person, probably something Maggie has never even heard of, to boot.

 

What does Sydney wear when she has a choice? What makes her smile outside surgery?

 

Does she have a dream-volunteering scenario? Does Sydney want to set up an outreach clinic in a faraway place?

 

What makes Sydney happiest in her quiet moments? Her faith is essential but is some aspects hidden behind the brittle and sometimes hostile shield?

 

 

Maggie doubts she could leave the situation alone if she tried. The odds are that pursuing a non-professional relationship is going to end in a series of rejections that range between condescending and punitive. She does not trust Sydney anymore than the other woman has faith in her, to tread these waters felt like threading a needle underwater.

 

Its a shame there are now Chinese adages about this. How to convince a temperamental female doctor who devotedly follows the Jewish faith to take a chance on a secularist subordinate with limited relationship experience and horrible parental blueprints.

 

Maybe this is her chance to write one?

 

"What would you think Dad, are you cheering for me in a non-existent afterlife?" the question is rhetorical, her father is long gone, but it is sometimes comforting to pretend that the mirror exists.

 

She misses him so sharply at times like this when she is uncertain. Maggie only knew him as a young adult, and there were only glimmers of them recapturing their early closeness.

 

 

+++

 

"Should I leave notes in your locker?"

 

Maggie finds Syd alone in the back staffroom, reviewing a medical journal and eating a salad. Fortunately, they are between shifts, and the spaces are empty.

 

"Tell you that I like you and leaving you a tickbox for an answer for Yes or No.

We don't have beaches to meet under, but I think the roof will do as a possible exchange point."

 

"I didn't make my feelings clear earlier today, Maggie?" Sydney says drily. "You have my cell phone number, No need to waste the trees on such a venture." Sydney does not look up from her article, but her body stills in response, neither tense nor relaxed.

 

"I took you for an old school kind of girl." Maggie parries with a gentle smile taking her wit as a positive sign to proceed if cautiously.

 

"Besides I didn't want any texts to be left to chance, and there are never enough reasons to buy quality stationery, do you have a colour schedule preference?"

 

Sydney tilts her head appearing to consider the question, and its more profound ramifications and thought as Maggie comes to sit at the other end of the table.

 

"Why did you kiss me? Not that I am complaining, but that wasn't where I was expecting that conversation to go. Forgive me, but you didn't exactly send the clearest signals" Maggie takes a deep breath "I hoped but wasn't sure."

 

"I felt like I was transmitting my feelings for all to see, it was undoubtedly mortifying at times, it’s why I came down so hard on you over that latest case. It was either that or sketch hearts in the margins." Sydney confesses with a hapless shrug.

 

"You were only violating your voluntary ridged standards, Syd. The rest of the hospital and I were safely in the dark" Maggie says, "your fearsome reputation is intact."

 

"I don't know whether I am relieved or disappointed by the fact, terrified is a safe bet."

 

"I don't expect you to do anything drastic Syd, just talk to me."

 

*****

 

 

"I am a total wreck of a human being not an ideal selling point but true nevertheless."

 

It is the first time either of them has spoken for at least 10 minutes, but there is a gentle kind of silence.

 

 

"I have been in active denial about my sexual identity for over a decade and have not exactly been an example of kindness while doing so." Sydney began a almost challenge in her eyes, the first time she has said this out loud.

 

"For some good reasons, I expect. From what you have said the pressures are high and exacting."

 

"Do not forgive me casually” Sydney snaps reflectively all but shrinking in on herself to take up less physical space.

 

"That is not what I am saying. I am not in a position to forgive you in any event, but I can listen with more compassion than you offer yourself. Nobody seems to realize you are far harder on yourself than anybody else " Maggie remains calm, being familiar with Sydney's defenses when it came to vulnerability.

 

 

“You seem to have made a study of my softer side, Dr. Lin, your perspective is probably afflicted with both bias and undue tenderness” Sydney counters in a much more relaxed tone.

 

“Proudly on both counts but it does not make me wrong just diligent to the cause”

 

“There isn't a single tendency of my family's expectations that me coming out wouldn't violate. My husband is supposed to indicate a desire for sex with his yamaka on the bed."

 

Maggie blinks to hide her surprise at such an uncommon notion. Her feminist hackles rise at the notion but she tries to tamper them. Syd is taking an enormous emotional risk talking like this; she needs to listen without judgment.

 

The time for compromise isn’t now.

 

"There isn't anybody that you can talk about this dilemma?"

 

Sydney shakes her head firmly a sad smile on her face.

 

"The community has one degree of separation. If I were to set foot in a Reformist Synagogue, my family would know about it and be ringing to berate me for ‘abandoning’ the family Rabbi. I met three different relatives at conferences already. I both love that about it and am suffocated by it at the same time."

 

"You know enough about the human experience to know you aren't to blame for this, don't you?" Maggie asks gently a catch in her voice.

 

Sydney looks tormented by the question and takes a long time to answer, places her hands over her heart in supplication.

 

"In my head, there is no debate; I am not as naive and closeted as some of the others believe. However, my Jewish soul still ties to 2000 years of doctrine, both the beautiful and the destructive" Sydney sighs.

 

"I give you full permission to retract your hypothetical note" Sydney says eventually.

 

“Would it make things easier or harder for you if that was the case?”

 

“You are a bright light in my internal chaos, please don’t doubt that, even if my ability to express these notions is negligible”

 

“That’s good to know and the offer will always stand”

 

 

 

 

++++

 

There is a note in her locker; Maggie fights the urge to giggle delightedly, the paper is creamy and thick with gold and blue edges.

 

"Have dinner with me at my place." The words are to the point as always.

 

“Who has delivered such good tidings after such a hellish shift?” Alex says wearily as she stretches out her back.

 

“Just plans for the evening, nothing special to date” it is not exactly a lie but not sharing the complete situation with her best friend still feels strange.

 

Sydney and their non relationship was not hers to share yet, if this was a conventional dating sense, Alex would be her first cheerleader but not now nor with this particular doctor.

 

“Well if my son offered any sort of respite on internal organs I may beg to join you”

 

 

Maggie pockets the note before giving her friend a sympathetic hug. Pregnancy was brutal when met with Chief Resident demands.

 

“How about I bring by lunch over the weekend and we relax in front of some bad tv and debate baby names”

 

“Sounds great to me”

 

 

 

++++

 

Sydney Katz looks beautiful in street clothes: even if Maggie has a thing for the other doctor in scrubs.

 

The other woman also looks adorably nervous as she leads them into her open plan living space, where a simple meal is waiting, and soft classical music is playing.

 

“This looks lovely – do you like you like to cook?” Maggie asks as she takes the offered seat.

 

“No this is the extent of my reliable menu, much to the disappointment of my grandmothers”

 

They begin eating the salad, neither quite sure how to start the conversation, to be serious or lightheaded.

 

“Where Would You volunteer if you could, Israel?”

 

“I would love to do a series of stints where ever there is the most need at the time, I did a stint with MDF in school and loved it, one of my most formative experiences”

 

“What about you?”

 

“Obstetrics Clinic in an area like Newfoundland and other remote communities”

 

They talk long into the night, playing questions against each other.

 

Maggie firmly believes that this moment between them is well worth any aggravation and self-doubt.

 

Sydney is even more beautiful when she is relaxing and teasing Maggie about her youthful antics.

 

+++++

 

It is not a significant relationship milestone, not quite.

 

It is the last week of her placement under the senior doctor, leaving the way open to other possibilities, not that anyone would guess this from Syd’s behavior at Hope Zion.

 

Sydney is adamant they do not cross any ethics rules (of course she has them all learnt) while she is technically a subordinate. They spend quiet evenings at each other's houses, doing nothing more than talk and find surprising amounts of common ground, the place is actually a refreshing change.

 

Maggie is reasonably sure no future placement will ever challenge her as much, not with Syd expecting so much and not accepting any compromises.

 

There are the random pop quizzes about obscure complications and labour scenarios.

 

Maggie does stitching drills till her fingers tremble and she dreams neat long rows.

 

She shadows Syd on every call and is surprised to be considered the lead under watchful supervision.

 

Sydney seems to own every major textbook in the field and assigns Maggie chapters each night. It makes her smile to see the doodles in the margins and questions at the bottom of each page.

 

 

She looks forward to learning more about this fascinating person who is keen to make her a top rate doctor.

 

 

 

 

++++

 

Sydney kisses her in the rain. It's not quite as romantically cliché as it sounds.

 

Toronto rain this close to winter proper is cold for a start.

 

The other factor that prevents this from being a real Nancy Meyers script is that she has just come back from a date, a vindictive revenge date, but a date nevertheless. She is not shy about Sydney overhearing it at the hospital either.

 

It is a horrible evening, but it still feels better than Sydney ignoring her for well over two weeks past the end of her official time as Maggie's teacher, The hypothetical deadline for making a go of being in a relationship in a real sense.

 

Instead, Sydney begins carrying bridal magazines in the break room and breaking three dates in favour of errands. One of the things Maggie likes most about the other woman is that she is a horrible liar, the real intention is clear enough.

 

The hospital grapevine (unaware of their secretive status) is reliable in delivering the news just as Syd finishes scrubbing out of a particularly tricky C- Section for triplets. Maggie knows that it hurt, the slight tremble told her so. The joke about her being on the 'prowl' is especially regrettable.

 

Somebody as slight and borderline underweight as Syd is not made to sit in her apartment outer steps, not with expensive prescription glasses and a thin coat.

 

"I bought the magazine's to appease my mother at our weekly lunch and avoided you until I could be brave enough to be both a lesbian and Jewish. We have a tradition of going into seclusion and retreat for big decisions, impractical in all but name." The words are out in a rush without pause.

 

"Communication is a good start. There need to be some concessions to secular realities" Maggie breathes softly 'Look at me, Syd, I am sorry, you are not entirely to blame. A wounded 14 year old would show more maturity than me this week"

 

It takes several long moments for the other doctor to comply and Maggie cannot resist the urge to swipe at the ice crystals forming on the thin glasses.

 

"I know you may place significance on some version of paying penance and acts of devotion like Jobe but giving yourself the beginnings of hypothermia in the rain is less romantic than you may think. My adult emergency medicine skills need work, and my demanding dictator cat needs feeding. Teach me how to make kosher hot chocolate?”

 

Instead, Sydney surges to her feet and pulls the startled doctor into an unambiguous embrace, in full view of neighbours and without a shade of doubt as to the intention.

 

Maggie feels hope surge as feels the touch of icy gloves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Sense, Sensation and Sensibility

  
Sense, Sensation and Sensibility

  
I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you

Jane Austen – Persuasion

There are few people whom I love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it, and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.

Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice

  
"I like girls."

The defiant statement makes her smile, and a witty response seems natural, but there is also such terror in Sydney's eyes that Maggie decides to take a more meaningful approach or as earnest as its possible to be when the woman of your dreams is trailing skilful fingers up your sides. Responding to that touch is so clearly what she wants, heck that scrub cap will never look the same in your eyes. However, the junior doctor wants this to mean more than just a fumble in the dark before the Jewish woman leaves again. Some part of Maggie knows that people and this person, in particular, intend to do just that regardless of the hearts she breaks in the process.

  
"You are also brave and brilliant." Maggie murmurs tenderly not wanting to waste the opportunity to say the words she spent far too much ward round time thinking about, even when Syd is at her most abrasive.

"I’ll give you the brilliant part, but Neshama is the brave one and everybody else who actively resists the belief system. I'm the very definition of someone in a corner with no other option." Sydney disagrees hoarsely.

"There are different forms of bravery, and in my book, it still takes courage even to say the words out loud."

"Why are you always so ready to be my defender? I've never given you cause to or any clarity for that matter. You weren't wrong, that email could have done some significant damage to your standing. My phrasing was unnecessarily cruel because you were driving me to distraction in more ways than one." Sydney confesses with a blush that isn't the result of her previous behaviour.

Sydney sighs with tiredness that is due to far more than their long shift. It strikes Maggie that had she not been here Syd would have gone home and put on another facade with nobody to confide in but an ambivalent God.

"I'm the one who can't keep my feelings out of theatre; you express your feelings like a rational human being."

"Only on Tuesday and Thursday"

"Mostly it’s because you are so ready to condemn yourself or hide behind a take no prisoner’s persona of temper, technique, harsh teaching and creed. You needed defending even if I wasn't insanely attracted to you. That part of the equation is obvious, right?”

"I've been teaching, in one way or another, for the better part of a decade. I'm under no illusion that you came to every single one of my professional development seminars and Grand Round presentations purely for the love of fetal anatomy and terrible hospital coffee."

"Hey, fetal anatomy is awesome, and I was a medical geek long before you left Toronto Medical School" Maggie mock protests with a laugh.

"Yes Dr Lin, your feelings were obvious even to me, who was trying extremely hard not to see them."

"That's good to know; I'm off my game for a bit, wouldn't want to fumble something so important."

"Considering I've got no game or ability to use sports metaphors. We'll be on a similar level."

"Oh, you've got game, Dr Katz. It is just a particular kind of charm."

  
***

"This isn't exactly what I thought would happen after ambushing you again."

They are sitting together in the on-call room, a respectful distance between them and the scrap cap on the bed, long forgotten. Sydney sounds more confused than mortified. It takes courage to kiss anybody with that much intent, and there is a logical progression to such behaviour. Maggie is careful to make clear that her advances are welcome without escalating the action. Nobody can resist a Sydney Katz who is partially naked, and they need to think before that can happen.

"I'm too old for trysts in the on-call rooms and that sanitation lecture by HR is still giving me nightmares about the quality of the sheets and the activities of previous occupants."

The shudder that Sydney offers in return borders on theatrical, the concept is only just occurring to her. They are technically in a public place, and there is nothing to stop an intern or nurse from barging in looking for them.

"I need to break the habit of kissing you at this hospital. There was a time when I was above the scandal of Hope Zion and whatever barely ethical things Jason taught you." Sydney berates herself half seriously.

"Hopefully you aren't against kissing me as a general rule because I can suggest plenty of alternatives if you want."

"I think we have established that you are the exception to all my rules, no matter how firm."

  
There are different ways to touch.

Maggie wasn't lying to Alex when she said she finds Dr Sydney Katz to be an enigma, both in mannerism and professional approach. Where others dismiss her as cold or socially inept Maggie sees somebody who is struggling to reconcile cultural expectations, Dr Lin and relations on a deep level. Alex says, not unkindly, that she is overcompensating after Gavin and the baby. Maggie is ok with this assessment, who isn't Freudian from time to time.

The briefest research into Orthodox Jewish culture indicates the value they place on touch, especially between potential partners. Sydney Katz may live and work in the secular world but her entire identity shapes around these guiding principles, lesbian or not. Maggie doesn't have the stamina for a passionate affair in any event.

Maggie starts by touching her hair that is coming loss from the practical work ponytail after 5 hours in a scrub cap. This gesture is not entirely altruistic; she dreams about Sydney’s shiny red hair on a nightly basis. Her hands itch with the impulse to crease and untangle.

"Is this ok?" she whispers.

Sydney nods and leans into the touch, ridiculously Maggie is put in mind of a cat enjoying the sun. The words of the jovial medium echo at the moment and Maggie images this moment will make him happy. His is right about there being a cat in her life.

  
***

"I don't know what to do or where to start. I should start by telling my husband" Sydney says calmly.

Maggie freezes at the word, suddenly feeling sick and cold. This sensation isn't a good combination when she is running on adrenaline and desire. The casual way Sydney says the word is shocking, but Maggie has firm views about being a homewrecker, a near miss with a professor in America set this belief in stone, not even the fantastic Dr Katz is worth that moral quagmire. Did she misunderstand the interactions or Jewish culture so severely?

"Husband?" she croaks.

Sydney senses the tone and rushes to explain and aftershe kisses Maggie impulsively on the check while running tender hands down flush cheeks.

"Oh God, Maggie not my actual husband. I would never do that. Hershel is a friend of my brother in law who I last met at nine months old or something. Ever since I ran out of excuses to delay the process both our families championed the match. He is referred to as my husband by all my relations, even though we have yet to be in a room together."

"The Talmud Scholar?"

"A good man who I could grow to love and respect" Sydney confirms "however, I could never honour him in the way a good and understanding husband deserves."

"A person would expect far less than being loved and respected to be with you for a lifetime," Maggie says confidently not sure why she feels profound sorrow for the young scholar.

"You haven't even met him, Maggie."

"I don't need to, I've met you."

"Plenty would say and do think that he is the far greater prize, deeming to marry a half-wild woman who barely remembers a headscarf." Sydney slips into a thick Hebrew accent for effect.

"Idiots"

  
***

"I am not going to jeopardise your career.'

"There are other rotations to join - even at this stage in my F2 year."

The statement is, and Maggie is floating on the idea, but the horrified look on Sydney's face is almost amusing. It’s as if the other doctor had confessed to cheating on her med school exams or placement assignment.

"The field of Obstetrics is not losing someone as talented as you. Next, you'll be wanting to join the egomaniacs in cardio or neuro." Sydney counters as if there are few worse fates to imagine.

"Too much blood on even the best days and babies beat brains every time" Maggie quips confidently.

"Seriously Maggie. There aren't that many High-Risk OBGYN surgeons in our province; I know all of them. None of them can take on another student this close to boards. Shiloh at Mercy might, but she is angry with me for calling her nephew a talentless hack. In my defence he was, and she knew it"

"Trying to find ways to stop teaching me, Dr Katz?

Sydney doesn't bother to reply, knowing that any denials will seem hollow given their previous topics of conversation. Maggie is a joy to teach, the best in years but you can't effectively teach someone if you desire them. No matter what an entire genre of romance literature says.

  
"Can I take you on a date? After my rotation ends."

Maggie is a naturally confident person, especially when it comes to relationships. This ability is both an advantage and disadvantage, especially when it comes to the battleground of Harvard Medical School and converted rotation spaces. Friendly conversation is mistaken for an effort to sabotage and offers of support a covert way to steal ideas. Thankfully, medical students and young doctors grow up eventually, but her reputation as 'suspiciously people focused' still lingers.

All her supposed confidence deserts her now, and she feels incapable of forming the eloquent sentences her debate team won championships with, Maggie winces at the odd mixture of fear and eagerness in her voice.

"That isn't a good idea, Maggie. I wasn't trying to be cruel saying that you don't understand, I'm barely functioning on any human level. Dating me will be less of an experience and more of a horror story, complete with Jewish versions of excommunication. I will be an unforgivable distraction at a time in your life when you need to focus, go out and have fun with people less likely to fall apart at a moment's notice. Somebody who isn't as damaged."

"Maybe I will if you find me this unicorn-like group of people that got to their 30s and 40s without baggage and issues, even then who says I am looking for the light and easy type of thing at this stage in my life. Harvard wasn't just all books and benefits you know."

"It’s different"

"Arguably so is everybody's circumstances. No potential partner gets to avoid learning other people's problems, especially if they want a future. Unless you date a liberal Rabbi's daughter, I guess?"

"Is there such a thing as a liberal Jewish matchmaker?

"Not unless you count Jdate, which I do not," Sydney replies firmly.

They remain at an impasse, each not willing to back down on their standpoint.

"We'll see how you feel after your boards and I'm no longer in charge of your programme" Sydney offers finally not sounding hopeful.

"Ok"

  
***

In practice, nothing changes for the next two months.

Well, Sydney Katz uses some of her leave to go on a Jewish Retreat which is code for taking time to dissolve her almost engagement and deal with the fallout from her family. Of course, there is ideal speculation around the hospital but nothing that the next scandal won't solve.

The lack of contact is hurtful, but Maggie understands that the first part of this journey is a solitary one and that her help wouldn't be welcome when Syd is experiencing a real crisis of faith. The opinion of a liberal who came from a long line of similarly minded academics means counts for little.

  
Maggie is busy preparing for her boards. Naturally, Alex isn't letting anything like late-stage pregnancy stop her. Dr Reid has a Martha shaped chip on her shoulder the size of Lake Ontario. There is nothing that is going to prevent the older doctor from succeeding, everybody else is just in her wake. Luckily her single-minded focus prevents Alex from asking too many questions about her escalating involvement with Dr Katz.

Predictably Sydney is faithful to her word and refuses to show the other doctor any advantage or personal favours. Her rapid-fire questions are brutal, and Syd doesn't let her slip on even the smallest teachers. Maggie endures some teasing about no longer being a 'teacher's pet', but Dr Lin is happy to learn from such a talented specialist and takes her studies to the next level.

Maggie wants to make Dr Sydney Katz proud of her student almost as much as she wants to take Sydney on a date. She suspects Syd has private work with some of her colleagues at other hospitals because she gets asked questions on obscure medicine at the oddest occasions, even hospital fundraisers. Her classmates scatter in horror, but she rises to the challenge, enjoying different styles and teaching philosophies. Each person is in their way as challenging as Syd though not nearly as distracting.

There is no official timetable they are working towards, an official end date to her placement isn't the same as Sydney Katz no longer feeling responsible. Syd is one of the few people that read the HR manuals cover to cover and therefore has definite opinions. Heck, it could be a year before Syd is comfortable kissing her in public if not two decades.

It should worry her that she is thinking in such terms, but it doesn't, maybe this is some of Sydney's faith coming into play.

Of course, everything is put on hold when Alex goes into active labour during the exams; Maggie isn't going to let her go through a traumatic birth alone. The need to re-sit her boards is the furthermost thing from her mind. She is just eternally grateful for the endless lectures Syd gave on the protocol for emergency C-sections in the field. Dr Katz's voice is on her shoulder as she simultaneously tries to calm Alex (without lying) and move the baby from its troubling position. There is a definite mirror in holding Luke and observing the proper stats on the monitor.

Sydney Katz will not let this happen to one of her students, for ego reasons if nothing else. The phone exam goes well, and she desperately wants to hug the other woman for her innovation. However, right now Alex needs her and will for quite some time, after there will be partying and celebrating, with her classmates. They all deserve a little downtime and Alex insists that she spends time away from her bedside. Maggie tries to hide her disappointment when Sydney doesn't join the other senior doctors in offering congratulations; even Dawn graces them with her presence and doesn't comment on gossip that flows as freely as the alcohol.

Maggie leaves after hour three.

She walks the few blocks home from the pub, enjoying the fresh spring air, which will sober her up before a long conversation with her mother.

"Baby Reid is showing no ill effects from his entry into the world" a soft voice calls from somewhere down the street. Maggie tries to keep her grin from reaching the lovesick level.

"I thought you didn't do the baby thing once they are born?" Maggie asks teasingly.

Sydney Katz looks like she has come straight from the hospital, complete with scrubs and worn tennis shoes. Her coat doesn't seem suitable for this weather and Maggie gets the sense coming here is an impulse rather than the result of any grand plan. She is still achingly beautiful; especially now that there is extra confidence in her stride.

"I made an exception for the baby that prompts my star student to become all Bear Grylls out in the field," Sydney replies with a shrug.

"We were surrounded by medics and equipment hardly the wilderness, and by any measure, I haven't been your student for about 36 hours now."

"1 Day, 12 hours and 37 minutes give or take."

"Keeping a calendar or something?" Maggie asks with a grin.

"Something like that"

Before Maggie can think of a witty response, Sydney is kissing her. She feels like something of an expert in the other woman's kisses by now. Syd touches with singular focus as if there are no other demands on her time. This effect heightens with the fact they aren't in the hospital, and neither of them has anywhere else to go or the ethical considerations of teacher and student. Sydney frames her face and deepens the kiss, almost pulling them off balance in eagerness. Her thin frame glasses become adorably steamed with all the action. Maggie is barely able to nod when her former teacher leans in and whispers against the shell of her ear.

"I'll pick you up at 8 pm on Saturday."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Handle with Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney Katz spots the early labour of Dr. Reid and flows Alex and Maggie to the Board exams.

 

I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.

Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice

 

Alex Reid is a self-sacrificing idiot.

 

Objectively Sydney Katz knows that the current circumstances aren't strictly within the junior doctors' control, but that doesn't mean Alex couldn't display a tiny amount of sense on this day. As a general rule, Sydney stays away from the Board Exams, either her students learnt enough from her they didn't, her loitering in the corridor drinking lousy coffee wasn't going to change a thing. Her policy seems especially relevant now when her feelings for Maggie are so out of control.  In lieu of actually gaining control she can play the avoidance game.

 

To that end Syd is at the nurses' station when she catches sight of the other doctors leaving for the exam, waiting to get a final prep in with fancy toys before the big day.

 

Any student who barely passed high school biology could tell that Alex is increasingly uncomfortable and guess the cause. It takes a trained doctor to recognise that Alex doesn't have nearly as much time as she hopes. The other doctor is stubborn enough not to tell anyone what she is going through for fear of failing.  It takes Sydney a split second to decide to follow the other doctors, at a distance.

 

Her mission is two-fold, find Alex and avoid running into Maggie so that Dr Lin can focus on her boards without worrying about her best friend. The formula for the Canadian Medical board exams hasn't changed much in nine years, and Syd can guess Alex's route. Diving behind a giant fake plant to avoid a glimpse of Maggie is not beneath her dignity at this point.

 

She can't help smile at the other doctor's confident stride.

 

Dr Lin has got game.

 

It would be so much easier if this attribute didn't make her so attractive.

 

 

***

 

"Are you in labour, Dr Reid?"

 

Sydney privately congratulates herself on guessing the right examination room to barge into, guessing correctly that the overachieving Dr Reid will need to start rushing her (still detailed answers).  Alex probably wasn't even sensible enough to take an over the counter medication, much less unethically stealing narcotics.

 

"The short answer to that Marie is yes, and I'm here to prevent the committee form having to fork out for the blood and afterbirth on the carpet, I'm assuming Dr Wonder over there has done enough to pass?"

 

The three examiners stare at the intruder blankly before nodding muttering something about excellent marks giving the circumstances. Syd waves of their vague offers of help, gesturing at the line of confused students milling outside the room.

 

Before Alex can protest or say something ridiculous like she can finish this section in more detail, the shorter woman ushers her out of the room.

 

"What are you doing here? Surely you had no doubt Maggie would pass?"

 

"Saving you from being a live-action exhibit for your classmates and with any luck delivering your son before Temple tonight. Don't be ridiculous, of course, Maggie will pass." pure reflex makes Syd say the last bit.

 

 

***

 

"Sydney, what are you doing here?"

 

Logically Sydney knew that she was unlikely to hijack her best friend without Maggie bumping into them, not with Alex shuffling in real pain new and the ambulance delays, she is still oddly disappointed and thrilled like a schoolgirl at the same time. Embossment is why she answers harshly

 

"Your idiotic friend decided that completing her boards while in active labour. Thank God, I spotted the signs before you and Wonder Woman here left the hospital."

 

"Just how many nicknames have you come up for me in the ride over from Hope Zion?" Alex asks drily as she struggles to grip Sydney's arm.

 

 

Maggie being taller and marginally stronger takes over supporting her friend all the while firing rabid questions at Sydney. Her former teacher is objectively pleased by how quickly her former student makes the transition.

 

"How far along are you, Alex?" Maggie asks as they hobble towards the door

 

"12 minutes give or take."

 

Sydney is on the phone on dispatchers ensuring that her staff is ready to take the baby.  All three know that the labour isn't going to wait for the convenience of the hospital, it will be a push to reach the paramedics in time.

 

Maggie is a natural birth coach and keeps up a running commentary and engagement, easing the worse pain, fear and concern about the examination.

 

"I am coming with you."

 

"No, you are not - if you hurry you can still make it to the next stations. I'll talk to Gabe about avoiding a resit."  Sydney says distractedly but firmly as she monitors Alex's vitals with a stolen blood pressure machine.

 

"She is my best friend there is no way she is doing this on her own. I'll make up the boards. Whether you believe it or not there are some things more important than medicine and the appearance of propriety."

 

There is no time to address the trace of bitterness in Maggie's voice, not that there Sydney has any defence, the least Maggie deserves is snarky quip or two at her expense. 

 

"There is nobody in the province more qualified to deliver a baby in the field. Heck if Fisher weren't such an egomaniac, there would be a technique named after me" Sydney argues with a sigh deliberating not reporting concerning readings.

 

"Still not the same- unless you plan on physically kicking me out of the ambulance. You have seniority but I taller and a scrapper from way back. I'd like to see you try."

 

"Maggie..."

 

"Hey, Old Married Couple. I hate to interrupt your lovers' quarrel, but I'm in active labour here." Alex barks as if she is dealing with practically annoying med students.

 

The two woman exchange equally guilty looks before returning attention to the immediate task of stabilising Alex and getting her pain under control. The labouring woman displayed superhuman strength in sitting the boards in such pain, but the effort exhausts her remaining reserves.

 

Pride and practicality prevent Sydney from admitting this, but she is secretly grateful to be overruled. Alex is going to need moral support, and there are too many other concerning elements right now. If it weren't Maggie, she would have dragged Gabe from the examination table.

 

"We'll talk about this later" she concedes angrily.

 

"Yes dear."

 

 

 

***

 

"Well, Dr Reid it's not every day you get to have your baby delivered by a world-renowned expert and her apprentice," the paramedic says cheerfully but calmly as he begins to prepare her for transport nodding at Sydney's lists of drugs and Maggie's rummaging for a second IV Bag.

 

"It's not nearly as fun as you might think" Alex pants out wincing as her veins began to collapse.

 

The doctors in question and moving quickly to prepare for rapid delivery, careful not overcrowd each other,  Sydney starts with the physical exam and Maggie quietly relays a status report over the RT with the other driver.

 

"Neither of them can lie worth a darn, what's wrong with my baby?" Alex plants yet orders.

 

"His positioning is not where I would like at this stage" Sydney answers for the man not looking up from the task at hand.

 

"You are aware that General Surgeons graduate medical school and an OBGYN...." the rest of Alex's witty retort is cut off by an exceptionally long contraction and arched her back.

 

Maggie steps in and does a quick rundown of what they suspect and the treatment options, ignoring the lead doctors look of frustration and annoyance. Dr Katz is brilliant and many things but interacting with vocal, opinionated patients isn't one of them. Alex is equally stubborn and will badger them to the hospital without satisfactory answers.

 

"What if..."

 

"I'm good Dr Reid, but I don't have X-Ray vision we can't answer every one of your hypotheticals without equipment. What I can tell you is I've delivered plenty of healthy babies in worse shape than this. There is no way my streak is ending today. Focus on your breathing and what Maggie is telling you. It's almost over both labour wise and your time without a bed and nursing staff."

 

 

"Come on young one, don't be as stubborn as your reckless mother, work with me." Sydney whispers as she struggles to reposition the limb in question and get the labour on safer ground."

 

Alex is predictably entering the panicking stage of the labour when all her fears and ambivalence about motherhood and her future come to the surface. The presence of strong painkillers is lowering her inhibitions.  This confessional doesn't do her blood pressure or the baby any good. Maggie is more useful as an emergency birthing coach than anything else; nobody knows how to come to this situation than a best friend. Sydney feels a stab of jealousy for this is an intimacy she will never share. She also knows how wrong she was to question Maggie's ability with patients and treatments.

 

"You are going to be fine Alex; you aren't going to be anything like your mother or your brothers. You are going to take to motherhood, and Baby Reid is going to have all the support in the world. Heck, its possible that there is already a mini doctors kit waiting for him."

 

"I miss both Joel and Charlie. Martha would have almost been proud of that legacy."

 

"I know, Sweetheart but focus on the bringing your son into the world now. You've got this, just like we talked about, We can even have some of those weird  cupcakes people insist on baking."

 

"He's almost there" Sydney mutters almost to herself.

 

"Good job" Maggie offers reflectively.

 

"Quit flirting with your girlfriend while she is manipulating my child's anatomy, Maggie, draw hearts on IV bag for the grandkid's scrapbook later."  Alex snaps

 

"Your lack of faith in my ability to multitask is insulting, Dr Reid. It's time to deliver your baby."  

 

It didn’t escape Maggie’s notice that Sydney did not disagree with the assessment or act disturbed by the comparison.

 

***

 

"We make a good team don't you think?"

 

Sydney doesn't look up from her phone, but she feels Maggie come to stand behind her, the familiar scent of Maggie's perfume lingering in the air, distracting as always.

 

"Take some pills and run a hot bath and get to bed early. You will feel the manual manipulation in the morning" Sydney instructs as she finishes a text.

 

"Yes Ma'am"

 

Sydney looks up flashing the other woman a brief smile at the joking tone. Maggie looks beautiful even when she is rumpled and exhausted. There is nothing like the exhilaration of completing an emergency procedure. Sydney hopes that Maggie has a long professional life ahead of her.

 

"The board is willing to see our emergency procedure as an equivalent medical station, congratulations Dr Lin."  Sydney offers with a tender smile.

 

"Yes!"

 

Sydney doesn't bother to protest when Maggie sweeps her into a tight hug and chanting thanks. She fights back the tears at the simple mixture of smells that is uniquely Maggie Lin, detectable even after such a day.  This moment feels like the end of an era, by far her best teaching experience to date. There is no more reason to see the other woman or debate about patients unless Sydney Katz is brave enough to ask for the chance of a future.

 

It is almost a relief when a group of nurses call Maggie's name wanting to offer congratulations and offload presents for Alex and Baby Reid. Sydney resolves that she will try and keep the other doctor in her life no matter how messy the future looks.

 

 

"You should be celebrating with your friends or seeing your honorary nephew."

 

Sydney is genuinely surprised to find Maggie hiding in the on-call room wiping away tears if only because her peers will be on a high for at least the next 36 hours and Dr Katz wants that for Maggie, she's undoubtedly earnt the jubilation. It doesn't take much intuition to track her down when Maggie isn't amongst her classmates.

 

"I miss her even if I wasn't ready for a baby and barely in a relationship" Maggie whispers her dark eyes fill with tears and a range of emotion that a hard to read and seem to a permanent fixture around Sydney.

 

"Adrenaline is wreaking havoc with your endocrine system don't judge yourself too harshly. It is natural to mourn your lost baby and the possible future" Sydney says gently coming to sit beside the new doctor.  "Besides like every single medical student on the planet you haven't been eating or sleeping right in the build-up to exams, your dehydrated, hungry and still jonesing from delivering your best friend's baby mid exam cycle. You are a physiological mess, get used to it" Sydney surprises herself by opening her arms for a hug.

 

"It's your party you can cry if you want to." Sydney continues, stroking dark hair and humming soothingly.

 

"A borderline pop culture reference, Dr Katz, I'm impressed"  Maggie quips with a smile laugh.

 

"I study them just for you" Sydney replies "and the pizza delivery guy who believes I'm a hermit who doesn't sleep."

 

They sit in silence for several minutes as Maggie's tears come under control.

 

"How did you know Alex was close to labour?"

 

"The idiot looked as if her ribs were stabbing her sternum it didn't take much intuition. I know she is the type to push herself to ridiculous extremes and ignore a minor inconvenience like active childbirth to slow her down. As her best friend you were likely to get caught up in the drama in some way."

 

"So you decided to ride in your white coat and rescue us from our foolishness?" Maggie teases softly

 

"It was either that or wait to tidy up the mess when you and Meredith Grey reached Hope Zion in need of my help at the other end."

 

"You aren't going to forgive Alex anytime soon, are you?"

 

"Not when she put you and her baby in such a position, the board offers resits you know, you better believe active labour qualifies now" Sydney pauses to reconsider the question " perhaps when the kid turns 18 and graduates high school." she considers magnanimously with a shrug.

 

"Where will you be in twenty years, Dr Katz?"

 

"I don't know, Dr Lin."

 

Neither of them says tender words or promises for the future, but Sydney snuggles closer, ignoring the many reasons not to and the likelihood of interruptions. This moment is far more important than the hundreds of things she needs to do and infinitely more pleasant than answering the increasingly frantic messages on her mobile.

 

***

"Can I kiss you?"

 

The words are somewhere between a question, a plea and request.

 

"Maggie..."

 

Sydney knows she should have maintained a professional distance, but it was impossible with the other doctor in such distresses. Instead, they are tangled together, half asleep.

 

"I figure you owe me one."

 

Sydney tries not to blush at the inappropriate memory of kissing Maggie in the office after their disagreement. The impulse is so unlike her and everything she stands for; There was just something about seeing the other doctor looking so beautiful and engaging.

 

As she often Maggie tries to pass the statement casually but doesn't quite succeed, Dr Lin doesn't have the temperament for casual despite what she tries to convey with quick answers and quips. Sydney lacks the talent for social interaction, or she would take the conversational lifeline and return the joke.

 

Instead in a strange and possibly Jewish way she does feel like she owed Maggie for being her defender and confident when she needed but didn't exactly earn the privilege. Sydney knows she plays the other doctors feelings with her ambiguous statements and hurtful references to a fiancée right after kissing her, treading a fine line between teacher and potential lover.

 

Besides she wants to grant the request, she wants to with every fibre of her being. Syd is having a harder and harder time convincing herself that these feelings were wrong, that her God begrudges her this happiness any more than He wants his followers to stone people for working on the Sabbath. This situation isn't like with Neshma, where she was a scared and hurt kid. Now that they no longer function as teacher and student, Maggie is her equal in every way.

 

Heck in a few years to a decade she will be the better surgeon.

 

 

Sydney has earnt the right to feel however she feels and repressing her identity is only going to hurt the community more than a few rummers and accusations. Above all, Hershel is a good man and deserves somebody who can join him fully on the journey in the community, complete with every intimacy. He will make a fantastic Rabbi one day if that's the path he chooses, she will make a terrible Rabbi.'s wife and bring shame to a decent man.

 

Come what may this is the right chose for her soul even if it is a terrifying one.

 

Sydney leans over and kisses Maggie with all the tenderness she can summon as she traces high cheekbone. The moment feels simultaneously solemn and sweet. Predictably Maggie reaches to free the clasp in her hair with long dexterous fingers, according to Dr Lin her hair is one of the best and most distracting things about her.  A compliment about her beauty is a mostly foreign one but a welcome one in this case.

 

"Let me cook dinner for you?" Sydney whispers into the darkness struggling to get her heart rate under control and resist the urge to continue making out like a junior doctor.

 

Maggie raises an eyebrow with a delighted smile.

 

"You need to eat and get blood sugar under control. One of the many things I owe you for is the Crabshack Disaster. As a start, you deserve real food and pleasant company, not seafood and night of ill-concealed jealousy."

 

"Only you could make an in-depth discussion about maternal mental health into an insult" Maggie agrees with a smile and another kiss.

 

"Besides, I want to kiss you somewhere that doesn't include budget sheets, antiseptic handsoap and intermittent alarms.  We can have a proper talk with no interruptions, sound like a plan?"

 

"Almost as exciting as becoming a doctor."

 

7 pm couldn't come soon enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. All I Ask of You

 

“I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.”

― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

 

“There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."

"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."

"And yours," he replied with a smile, "is wilfully to misunderstand them.”

― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

 

At some point, I need to stop kissing Sydney Katz.

 

Objectively there are good reasons to ease up on the making out in public thing. For a start, we are within shouting distance of our friends and colleagues. The last thing Syd (even this version) wants is a spectacle. I am also one duty at this event primarily to keep Alex from getting too overwrought and conflicted between grief and childhood resentment. The hard part is over, and now we can enjoy an evening of fireworks and speeches, nothing too serious or soul wrenching.

 

All I can reliably focus on is the feeling of Sydney's hair tickling my hands and the satisfied sounds she is making when we shift position slightly. We have fought so hard to reach this understanding that it feels fantastic to lose myself in something as simple as kissing the woman that I love. The woman I’ve loved for years, for once Syd is willing to stay in one place insecuries and all. The type of Jewish woman who will spend half a day looking for ashes in a shoe box for a borderline illegal pagan ceremony, at the pleading of a woman who has no right to ask.

 

Naturally, it is Sydney Katz who feels the tug of duty and obligation first. In a feat of impressive self-control, she manages to gasp out as I almost attack her neck.

 

"Alex needs you. We should join the ceremony."

 

"I need you" the protest is weak but genuine.

 

"You had me long ago, Maggie. We can wait a few more hours for the sake of your best friend who is about to the hardest of familial duty. . Besides, I need all the credit with Alex Reid possible, its possible she hates me."

 

“Hate is reserved for interns and mandatory down time. You merit  a healthy suspecision for making her best friend cry” I disagree softly

 

Sydney looks like she wants to apologise again but thinks better of rehashing old ground.

 

“She needs you on top form today not suffering temptation in the woodland”

 

“Suffering is not in my top 100 adjectives for this situation”

 

“Go and tend to your patient, Dr. Lim”

 

I love Sydney all the more because she doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. If Alex drags me away for the night to eat an unhealthy amount of ice cream and sob over photos, Syd will do the junk food run and cover my shift in the morning. After a final series of kisses and hugs, we move along the lake path, making token efforts to straighten our clothes.

 

This effort is token and I feel more thrill than embrassmemt at the hicky that doubtlessly forming below my coller.

 

***

I am almost giddy with excitement to be holding Sydney's hand.

 

We are shadowing Alex as she greets everybody and offers them food. I fight the ridiculous urge to introduce Sydney as my girlfriend at every opportunity, so great is the joy of being able to make that statement with confidence.  Of course, there is no need for this. Our  latest drama is a public affair. The only comment most people make is a variation of 'congratulations' and 'finally'.

 

Alex is genuinely happy for us, all of her uncertainty about Sydney forgotten for the moment. I am telegraphing my happiness to the world, its a simple code for my best friend to read. I don't even protest when she snaps a selfie with the joking hashtag of #Marthamircle. Surprisingly Syd is obliging and requests a copy of the one where she is kissing my check.

 

"Do not make me where anything pink for the wedding" Alex instructs firmly.

 

I am about to rush in to explain and to protect Syd from, but she beats me to a response.

 

"Traditional ceremonies are white or blue."

 

"Good to know."

 

Something passes in that moment and Sydney is developing roots amongst my friends.

 

  

Sydney Katz is handling this 'unofficial coming out' with ease.

 

"You finally got your girl, Go, Dr Katz," Billy says as he hands them drinks from the casual bar.

 

"It is the day for profound miracles, Dr Scott" Sydney replies as she rests her head against my shoulder. "Excluding the babies on my ward, this may be the best miracle or all." The tenderness in the older doctor’s voice makes me feel giddy.

 

"Now I don't need to wonder my frankly fantastic matchmaking skills were such a dismal failure on all counts. There weren't enough Jewish obstetricians in the mix to tempt our Maggie. I should have known you had her at fetal heart surgery." is Zach's contribution to the affair.

 

"Called it. You need to save time and listen to me in all things" Jackson offers as passes out slices of cake.

 

“Yes of course Jackson” I offer him a hug.

 

"As you are the only person in this lot to read the Codes of Conduct reliably come by and sign the paperwork in the morning," Dawn instructs firmly.

 

Sydney takes all the teasing and comments with a beaming smile. She even offers a few quips of her own, especially when Zach teases her about having a specific type and travelling the world only to return to the start point. The idea of them forming a friendship is an unlikely one but not unpleasantly so, Syd needs everyone in her corner.

 

"Sometimes life is more tangled than the AV wires in the hospital."

 

 

The ceremony is moving and eccentric just like the woman herself, Maggie hopes Martha approves.

 

Alex is the centre of their Hope Zion family, and it is never more evident than that evening. Every stratum of the hospital make an appearance even Dawn drops of several deserts and stays to watch the final ceremony. Dr Reid doesn't go five minutes without a hug or a kind word. Luke has an army of personal babysitters, but Charlie is a firm favourite.

 

I untangle myself from Syd long enough to stop Alex from screaming down the phone when her oldest surviving brother is a no-show. Charlie takes over when Alex cannot finish a final tribute to both her brother Luke and Martha. She adored them both even if the Reid Family dynamics were painful more often than not.

 

"Dance with me?"

 

I am sleepily enjoying watching the impromptu dancing to follow pay attention to the question Syd whisper in my ear until she repeats it loudly and drags to join the other couples as we are no different.

 

Neither of us is talented in this area, but the rhythm of the band is natural to follow and is one of Martha's favourite. The pure pleasure of being with Syd in public means everything. She is no longer afraid or hiding our relationship in the shadows. For now, at least the conflicts between and faith are resolved in my favour.

 

"I might request a few more dances before the night is through, Dr Katz fair warning."

 

"Take photos and put them on Instagram if you want. I drew the line at pet names though" Sydney offers briefly.

 

We fit together well. Sydney is small enough to snuggle against my shoulder. I’ve never led before but it feels lovely weaving around the floor. The sunset flickering in long red hair.

 

 

***

 

"Stay with me?"

 

Sydney is nervous and is having trouble looking me in the eyes as we exit her car.

 

The question takes me by surprise; I thought my intention to stay the night was painfully obvious. Maybe that is our problem is that we assume patterns and plans are apparent when they may not be, especially when both of us aren't the best at the interpersonal communication aspect of being in love.

 

"Of course, Syd. I don't intend to have any further interruptions for the 12 hours at least. Charlie is looking after Alex and Luke. Both of us have emergency cover at the hospital, and I picked up Kosher groceries for the morning."

 

You can't get much more direct than that statement. Of course, my best friend puts the dynamic even more bluntly.

 

"If you don't spend the next month reenacting every new liberal Judaism friendly scene from the L World I would be deeply disappointed in you. I got you that subscription for a reason."

 

It makes me sad that Sydney doesn't have a best friend who is making similar offers to her. She didn't just lose her family with this coming out but an entire support system.

 

"Are you learning to court me with Kosher food, Dr Lin?" Sydney asks with mock formality."

 

"Heck, I was Googling Kosher restaurants the first time you kissed me, Dr Katz" I confess with a grin.

 

A sudden look of sadness on her face makes me pause before putting the groceries away. I was hoping to keep the evening light yet there are so many emotional landmines between us that this might be impossible.

 

"We lost so much time by not talking to each other"

 

"Yeah we did, but we are both still here and finally on the same page. There is still plenty of time to get to know each other again. Tell me about the Jewish dating guidelines. Let's take things slow this time and learn the boring stuff like favourite movies and celebrity crush."

 

"I'm all in except for one notable exception to the rules."

 

Sydney carefully puts down the block of cheese I am holding and kisses me soundly for several moments.

 

"I am not giving up the joy of touching you. If my freedom counts for anything, it's my right to feel your skin."

 

+++

 

"How long until you leave, again?"

 

Sydney is just coming through the door of her apartment,  in a pair of sweatshirt pants and on old teeshirt from Toronto University. The OBGYN specialist is blinking at me in surprise. That, in and of itself, isn't a surprise. Last time she left me I was sound asleep after hours of lovemaking. She is not expecting to find me pacing around the kitchen glaring at her accusingly while trying not to cry.

 

Syd's approach is a reflection of how seriously she takes the situation. She kicks off her running shoes and moves towards me, never breaking eye contact but stopping before she invades my personal space/

 

"Becca and Samual decided in their infinite wisdom to purchase an At-Home- Ultrasound Machine without bothering to consult me for advice or instructions" Sydney explains softly "I've spent the latest hour convincing them that my nephew's 'heart trouble' is nothing of the sort promising to do daily monitoring if they want."

 

I feel a flush of embaressment, but Sydney is moving towards the kitchen table, searching for something paying me no mind.

 

"I left my glasses down here last night. I don't want to wake you, so I left the note on the table." Sydney holds the piece of paper out to me as proof or an offering.

 

"You should never be without your glasses, its a crime."  I blurt the first thing that comes to my mind at the explanation ignoring the note in favour of grasping her fingers like a lifeline.

 

In response, Syd reaches out and cups my checks brushing away tears.

 

"The greater crime, Sweetheart is how many times I've made you cry but being thoughtless and skittish. Only God knows the future, but the one certainty I can offer is that I won't leave suddenly. If it becomes my life's work, I'll earn your trust again."

 

Instead of answering I pull her closer and into a desperate kiss, almost coliding with the glasses in question. My lover comes more than willingly, pushing me back until we slam against the fridge. A Hope Zion magnet is going to leave an imprint on my spinal cord. There is nothing as beautiful as the stoic Dr Sydney Katz coming undone. It's autumn outside, and fingers are icy as she fights with the barrier of improvised pyjamas. I would offer to help, but I'm stagging another battle with about seven hair ties.

 

Her tiny hobbit bed is only marginally more comfortable than the floor Syd is leading us too, but we both have surgery in the morning.  My limbs will not appreciate hours in the theatre if we continue on this path. On a more practical Syd gets cold so quickly I don't want her bruising and shaking (useless I'm the cause). The look of pure outrage on her face when I pull away is enough to make me burst out laughing; humour is another a previous attempt at relationships were lacking.

 

"Your sciatic nerve will thank me if we continue this in your room."

 

Sydney looks as if she finds of the prospect of even this slight delay unbearable. As a compromise, I use my superior height to maintain the moment without breaking our latest round of kissing. Syd sinks gracefully onto the bed pausing just long enough to remove her glasses.

 

"I'm not ending up in the emergency room with glass shards. I'll wear them every shift for the next year" the other daughter promises faithfully.

 

****

 

"You are it for me. I want to shape my future around building a life with you and making you happy."

 

My feminist and relationship-weary mother will recoil in horror if she ever hears me express such a sentiment. All her work is nurturing her children into equal rights champions for nought, to have her daughter sound such lovesick borders on offensive. Isn't the definition of equality is having all the options and choosing what makes you most content?

 

Sydney seems equally uncertain she stops weaving her fingers through my hair. The sigh against my cheek is equal parts contentment and weariness. It's probably unfair that I spring this on her at 2 am, but by a more reasonable hour, my courage will evaporate.

 

"I think that's my line, Dr Lin - given the Jewish preoccupation with matrimony and commitment" Syd whispers keeping her tone teasing.

 

"If you can be different than so can I.. I think that you left so quickly each time because there wasn't any resistance to counter your doubts. The Lin family aren't the best communicators in the world; I took silently pinning for you to extremes, expecting you to read my mind somehow. You are brilliant Dr Katz, but you are not telepathic."

 

"You genuinely spent the last few weeks processing, haven't you?

 

I reluctantly rearrange our position so that I can read her expression. Sydney is an expert at verbal misdirection but a horrible liar if you know how to learn her body language. There is nothing but patience and tenderness which encourages me to continue me impromptu midnight confessional.

 

"When we were ten years old Dad got us the new bikes we spent a solid year begging for, despite our dubious record with accidents and broken bones. It felt like all my Christmases than too; these things were seriously amazing with all the fancy accessories. We rode the bikes for weeks, any excuse to leave the house while our parents scream at each other. It took us a while to realise this was the idea all along."

 

"Oh Maggie"

 

"I can't do our usual pattern again, Syd. I don't want the happiness I feel right now tainted because things were left unsaid, even if it means no longer practising medicine and following you to a remote field hospital in the Negev Desert.

 

Sydney doesn't speak for several long moments, but the quiet isn't uncomfortable. Long fingers trace patterns down my face and neck, paying particular attention to the faint outline of my scar. The team in Neuro did a great job suturing but its still tender and noticeable. Nobody in my life has ever touched me with as much reverence as Sydney does as if I am now or will be the greatest gift in her life. It takes a moment to realise she is whispering words in Hebrew, combining a mixture of song, verses and prayer. Her confession comes before the translation.

 

“Two things. If I ever run a desert clinic you will work with me. Second, it’s my turn to follow you wherever you go”

 

"Until I met you and found the courage to defy my parents one of my few comforts was the story of Ruth and Naomi even if that is blasphemous in its way. Every since you wondered into my exam rooms, it stays on loop in my soul."

 

 "Ruth said, 'Do not urge me to leave you, to turn back from following you. For where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people are my people, and your God my God; where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may God do to me, and so may He do more, if anything but death separates me from you. (Ruth 1:16-17)"

 

I’ve heard Sydney speak in every tone imaginable both personal and professional. She is compelling even at her most abbrasive. We never got to the stage where she shared her faith or the verses with me. I didn’t even want to look them up if she wasn’t there to explain them.

 

 

The experience is worth the wait and uncertainty of loving a devout Jewish woman. There is nothing that comparies to the profound intimacy of hearing these words from her. Every sylible is said without such conviction not like the casual declarations of relationships in the past. You didn’t need to believe in to believe in the religion itself to feel the power.

 

“All I ask of you is that you stay”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Badly Done, Dr. Katz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dog is responding antibiotics but still have the writing bug.  
> Shout out to sciencebee - hope the chapter goes well with hot chocolate :-)  
> Crab shack voucher scene aftermath.  
> You are pale and clammy."

Yeah, we all could use a little mercy now  
I know we don't deserve it, but we need it anyhow  
We hang in the balance dangle 'tween hell and hallowed ground  
And every single one of us could use some mercy now  
Every single one of us could use some mercy now  
Every single one of us could use some mercy now  
Mary Gauthier: American Folk Singer

Hershel isn't at fault here.

That statement is true in so many profound and straightforward ways that Sydney Katz fervently wishes they never met and thus he chooses a more conventional Jewish woman to court and suggests marriage; anybody but her and the burdens she carries.

There is no good time to come out as a lesbian and break his heart. However, this afternoon is one of the few times they will be left alone before the wedding preparations happen in earnest. Nobody will believe her, but she had every intention of following through the with commitment, to say the sacred vows and be a dutiful wife. Her soul was even relishing being the centre of the community once more, making parents proud and her sister beam as they do wifely duties together. There were something worth sacrificing individual freedom of expression for and spiritual harmony is one.

"I don't get what the Rabbi says. You can do whatever you like."

Those are the passionate words that suck the oxygen out of Syd's careful constructed bubble of denial. The young specialist hasn't had either asthma or panic attack in years, but the unmistakable symptoms come flooding back.

The sacrifice is too high for, not her. She is asking this devout and kind man to bend the rules to accommodate her career, and he is willing to do that. The conflict over her job will be the least of their disputes going forward. She is not perfect, and occasionally her other identities will emerge, the feminist, the lesbian, the champion of equal rights. Its possible he would have to change Rabbis and Synagogues.

The least Hershel deserves a woman who can love him wholeheartedly for his defiance of faith. The ugly truth is that Syd entered this courtship because his eyes danced a little like Maggie's when talking passionately about a subject. Dr Lin will never believe this either, but the two are incredibly similar. Both a driven by conviction in their career path and a willingness to serve.

"I cannot marry you because I am a lesbian and can not faithfully commit to any husband, no matter how wonderful you would be as a partner in life and faith."

Hershel may be nieve to the ways of the secular world, but he is far from stupid. He doesn't voice disbelief because he knows that no Jewish woman would say these dreaded words out loud without reason. There is a good chance he is putting the Puzzle of Sydney Katz together now that he has all the pieces and not liking the picture he finds there.

"You know they will never accept you wave the flags. You will be dead to everyone you know outside that hospital and your Maggie." he spits the name in a voice choked with tears.

"Members of my family will say Shiva for me and mourn my 'death.'" Sydney agrees while willing herself not to cry.

"What temptation of the flesh or mind could be worth that pain?" Hershel asks

"My mind, body and soul must be truthful in all things, being faithful with one without the others is meaningless. “Distance yourself from a false word” Sydney quotes the familiar scripture on instinct.

"You dare to quote Holy Text to me, now? When you plan to your sully your family and betray your community?"

"My faith is my comfort in all things."

What happens next is a comedy of errors and physics. Sydney foolishly moves to comfort the tall scholar as he starts to weep in earnest as he collapses into the coach. Hershel jerks his gangly frame upright forcing her off with more strength than usual, his long arms tight with tension and suppressed rage. His former fiancee takes the impact across her chest and sternum. Sydney's reflexes are already dull due to extreme fatigue, poor nutrition and anxiety. The blow is enough to send her crashing into the coffee table at an awkward angle.

Sydney didn't need to be a doctor to know that she has broken at least one rib and will a have severe bruising in the morning. There pain and restriction in breathing is a definitively diagnosed clue. However, being a doctor means that she can judge the hurt and rule out any other serious injuries, the bones haven't displaced or torn anything.

"I'm fine."

The words are a blatant lie. It takes considerable willpower for Sydney not to vomit as she stands up but the last thing she wants is for Hershel to feel honour bound to take care of her. The room spins, and there is bile at the back of her throat, but she offers him a shaky smile and waves off his offer of assistance. Sheer stubbornness prevents her from bursting into tears at his concerned expression.

"I'll make all the arrangements and tell everyone," Sydney promises trying not to breathe too deeply if at all.

Knowing that there is one final act to complete the doctor reaches into her pocket and pulls out an envelope and hands it over trying to move in process.

"Its a first class ticket to Israel. You will get there in time for Sarah's wedding. The return is flexible, but Rabbi Greenberg is speaking in the capital next month if you.

"Trying to ease your guilty conscience, Sydney?"

"Nothing will achieve that. All I can offer is an escape from the gossiping and retribution, that is my shame to bare alone. Your family will target me, and you can study and be Uncle Hershel in relative peace" Sydney explains with a nervous smile.

The gratitude in his expression is more than she deserves.

  
***

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't drag you to Crab Shack and force feed or shellfish?"

Dr Sydney Katz has the worst luck one when it comes to elevators at Hope Zion; she needs to start taking the stairs. Anything to avoid the spectacle of Alex Reid wedging herself in before the door can close. The dark eyes are raging with the anger of a best friend who has found a target.

Contrary to popular believe the smaller doctor isn't known for being meek and mild either. Alex is well within her rights to be angry, but Syd doesn't have to take a shellfish threat on the chin. Distantly she can feel relief that Maggie has such a fierce protector in her life.

"A) I technically outrank you B) Canadian workplace assault laws are pretty strong C) The spike in cortisol isn't good for you baby and I'll be cleaning up the mess if anything happens to Baby Reid. D) I'm far scrappier than I look."

Syd struggles not to wince at the lace of fire across her back, delivering witty comebacks is painful with hairline fractures in the rib cage, who knew?"

Alex glares at her quip, clearly not amused but she seems willing to talk this out rather than screaming at her and making this scene public. Somewhat ominously the chief resident hits the emergency stop button.

"You seduce my best friend, wham; bam thank you, ma'am, before offering an unwanted voucher to crab shack as compensation for your impending marriage?" Alex hisses in a disbelieving tone her anger heavy in the small space.

"I was scared, and banter is our default position."

"To quote her favourite Austen novel - badly done, Dr Katz, Badly done. Whatever casual mark you were aiming for missed by a mile"

"If it's any consolation I'll feel guilty about hurting Maggie for the rest of my life, she means far more to me than my current actions suggest"

"The sad thing is, Sydney is that she will probably come to your wedding and drag me to every Jewish store in the province to find the perfect gift. All she wants is for you to be happy."

 

 

***

"Somebody should tell your new husband you can be spiteful and cruel."

Sydney is thankful for small mercies when she finds Maggie alone in this particular bay of the staff carpark. Of course, the ideal would be not to encounter the other doctor at all, but she is not fortune.

Dr Maggie Lin is too caring to deliver an effective insult with conviction the words meant to hurt mainly come out sounding hopeless and defeated. Syd was misguided when she sent that email, but it wasn't without foundation Maggie invests her whole soul in any given situation.

The trait makes her a fantastic person with the foundations of an excellent physician. At the same time, when she is hurt, she feels the pain. How has she misjudged this woman as casual dater? Impervious to slings and arrows of the heart?

"Believe it not Dr Lin many people in my life have no trouble listing my character flaws to anyone who will listen including Hershel."

"What are you doing here? You have hours of leave HR is hassling you to take, wouldn't this be the time to be choosing between chocolate and strawberry filling?

Sydney can't precisely say that the hospital is the only safe place for her right now. The second she turns on her phone the flood or calls will begin, a hysterical mother and an outraged father is too much to bear. The weight of their disappointment is suffocating.

"The Thomases are coming in for their final appointment. I want to be there for them." The shooting fire in her chest undercuts her efforts to act casual and composed.

"Why are you moving so strangely?"

Sydney should have known that Maggie would notice the action even if they were fighting, but she held a van hope the other doctor was looking forward to her spite date with Dr Ray. She was hoping to take the opportunity to remove her shirt and grab a loser one from her go bag in the car. It doesn't hurt that she remembered to pack a supply of anti-inflammatories.

"I'm fine just a long day with an equally long night of journal writing ahead of me."

"You are pale and clammy."

" The fluorescent lights always wash me out. I might even use one of the spa vouchers Becca keeps insisting I need after a long day in surgery."

"I'm fine."

Maggie frowns at her, the universal looking of a clinician in diagnostic mode.

"Take a deep breath in for me and count to ten and I'll leave you alone" Maggie offers finally.

Sydney tries out of pure stubbornness at the indignity, but the effort nearly causes a blackout both from pain and low blood pressure.

"Stop you, idiot, before you pass out."

"I hope you don't use that tone with any of the other staff physicians, Dr Lin or Jason is more of a fool than I realised."

"I can examine you here or in an on-call room, your call."

"I'm..."

"Freaked Out. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional. I believe you, but it doesn't mean I won't be examining you."

"Didn't we talk about judging patients?

"Move"

 

***

"Did he do this to you?"

"Did you say the wrong thing on the Sabbath?"

"Don't be crass, Maggie, Of course, Hershel didn't hurt me."

"How well do you know I guy after ten weeks? Even a Talmud Scholar?

Sydney resists the urge to point out that she fell in love with Maggie in half the time with much less certainty. Such a confession won't be helpful here. Her student doesn't mean the words as they sound. She is respectful of all faiths and Sydney's in particular. There is a protective streak in the Havard graduate a mile long, and it is a logical conclusion to draw without the facts.

"Hershel is not my fiancee anymore."

"You didn't think you should have let with that piece of information?"

"and deprive Alex of her tirade?"

The joke falls flat, but then again her comic timing is nonexistent, especially around Maggie and the team of misfits at Hope Zion.

Maggie is doing a credible job of appearing calm as she guides her fingers down Syd's spine, carefully avoiding the naturally tender spots that around already turning different colours. However, she is only human and has the right to be hurt and confused. Sydney couldn't have handled this worse if she'd asked her former student to stand up as part of the wedding party.

"I shattered his hopes for the future and foolishly tried to comfort him. I was already dizzy and tripped when he pushed me away. As with the rest of this situation, I am to blame."

"Saint Sydney, ever the martyr" the words are dripping with sarcasm.

 

Sydney curls up on the examination table trying not to wince with every movement and the problematic conversation they about to undertake. Somehow she felt less vulnerable half-naked than she does wearing one of Maggie's old Harvard jumpers. There are many things she should say right now but exhaustion is stripping her of her, and she wants to sleep for a week.

"I didn't want you to either blame yourself or try to defend my honour. I did this for me and my reckoning. Our relationship was the catalyst, but he deserves more than somebody who is his wife in name only."

***

Babies make things easier, as they always do.

One of their joint patients is coming in for her final scan. Its been a complicated process but the baby is healthy and due to deliver any day now. Maggie tries to convince her that there is no need for them both to go but Syd knows how anxious the parents are to see her for the update; the had a good dynamic. Sydney is selfishly looking forward to seeing Maggie in a situation where she knows what to say.

"I'll do all the talking. You briefed me last time and studied up on the possible complications night. The same goes for all the scans. There is nothing overly complicated here."

"Yes Ma'am" Sydney offers teasingly.

"I'm serious. You look like a welterweight who has gone 12 rounds without rehydrating. No wonder your ribs snapped so easily. When is the last time you slept properly?"

"That's a strangely specific metaphor."

"I'm serious..."

Before Maggie can reply the door opens to admit Frank and Clara Thomas grinning nervously and holding hands as if the touch is the only stable thing on earth. The teddy bear that Frank is clutching is a sign that the older couple is finally starting to believe that Francies Simpson III will be making his long for an appearance in the world healthy.

"He's almost here Dr Katz, can you believe it?"

"Yes he is and with any lack young Frances will stick to the schedule we so carefully worked out, even if he doesn't though we will be ready for anything that happens. You focus on getting as much rest as possible and making Frank decorate the nursery just with the plum colour you like."

"Huh, I can barely get him to stop the planning to eat and sleep."

"Nesting isn't just for the mothers you know" Maggie quips jokingly.

"You look tired Dr Katz too many babies on your ward at the moment?"

"In my opinion, there is no such thing as too many healthy babies Clara, but they don't keep the hospitable hours."

"You should take care of Dr Katz, Maggie she is a treasure The whole of Hope Zion if not central Canada knows what a treasure Sydney is."

"I intend to Clara," Maggie says solemnly with an ironic raise of her eyebrow in the other doctor's direction.

  
***

"Nothing has changed for me."

They are sitting in Maggie's apartment as the taller doctor applies ice packs to rapidly swelling ribs and multicoloured bruises. There is nothing to do medically except down painkillers and monitor lung capacity. The simple task brings them both comfort.

Sydney should feel embarrassed about being half-naked in front of the other woman. She may be a woman of science, but Syd never expected to strip for anybody accept her husband no matter the setting. There is a reason she wears the long skirts that everyone at Hope Zion fines so odd and noteworthy.

"I knew I loved you from the time you quoted Shakespeare at me after potentially sabotaging my career."

There is a finality to Maggie's words that is both daunting and inspiring. Sydney spent her life hearing stories of immense faith and conviction. Few of those stories move Dr Katz as the simple declaration. It struck her than that perhaps these moments reflect the true story of Ruth and Naomi, unweaving devotion, whatever the relationship type. It's no longer a treacherous betrayal to take a feminist or even queer view of such a story. This notion of both personal and intellectual freedom will take some getting use to, the work of years if not a lifetime.

" More to the point Dr Lin, you have faith that I felt the same from the second you accepted my ridiculous 'scrab cap' declaration even though I was a patronising bitch to you."

"I'm not going to lie; the voucher wasn't your finest hour nor was my efforts to drag poor Ray into our dynamic." Maggie agrees with a sigh.

The answering machine beeps and interrupts their quiet if pained conversation.

"I hope your happy, Syd. Mom and Dad can barely move for the shame and don't get me started on poor Hershel's family. Your selfishness has destroyed two families. Don't bother coming on Saturday unless if you've come to your senses."

"Dramatic much?"

"Becca isn't wrong."

Maggie impulsively kisses Sydney bare shoulder.

"Whatever you sins real or otherwise. You do not deserve such pain."

"So would argue the last thing I deserve is your mercy."

"My mercy is mine to give freely as I wish."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
